I have a fake front tooth.
A fake front tooth that makes me crazy.
Especially since I should not have it.

Come take a walk with me down memory lane.

I am twenty one.
I have the most amazing dental coverage under my parents' insurance.
I am at the dentist.
A very busy and popular dentist.
He mentions to me that one one of my front teeth is a fraction longer than the other one.
He asks if I would like them to be the same.
I think
I did not rock braces at junior prom to have janky teeth!


So I scheduled an appointment to get it fixed.

Pretend that you are a dentist.
A busy and popular dentist.
What would you do to fix my teeth?

Because if I was a dentist this is what I would do:
shave the longer tooth down a millimeter so it matches the shorter tooth.

Apparently I did not go to dental school.
Wondering if Mr. Popular and Busy did.

Because this is what he did:

Shaved my shorter tooth into a vampire point.
Yes, you read that correctly.
Why didn't I say anything?  
I did. 
He assured me that this was the way to go.
He is a busy and popular dentist.
I am some dumb English major college student.

Then he capped it.
To make it longer.
Like the other tooth.

I am not kidding.

So I went from a perfectly good, yet marginally shorter tooth to a fake tooth.
On top of a vampire tooth.
We all know how I feel about vampires.
Then the cap chipped.
I got it fixed.
It chipped again.
Then again.
(Did I mention that I am a gnarly teeth grinder? IF by some miracle I am actually sleeping, chances are gnashing of teeth is involved.)
So finally after 3 new caps in two years,
on what was a great tooth,
I got a veneer.

Then my insurance ran out.

The end.

Wah wah.
But there is a silver lining.
In real life it doesn't look so bad.
For some reason it just looks crazy in pictures.
Pictures that I always pull into Picnik.
There I fake up my fake tooth with their amazing whitening tool.
I heart you Picnik.
I do not heart you busy and popular dentist.


  1. I would never have noticed.

    My dad's a prosthedontist. Come to Chicago and he'll fix you right up! lol

  2. My sister had a gap in her front teeth so she has veneers to fill in the gap... well one day they fell off... in the sink... down the drain... she was freaking out staring at her vampire teeth in the mirror...praying that she would find her teeth in the drain when she pulled up the drain plug...and she did.. PTL! She went to a BETTER dentist to have it fixed!

  3. Lord bless photo fixes... They can a multitude of boo boo's... I have even been able to "shave" an inch or so off my thighs... ;) You are beautiful and until pointing it out I never noticed....

  4. NOT a fan of any dentists really.....have had awful experiences! One told me he could send his kids to college on my mouth! Didn't stay with him.....and yet I think I've sent a couple to a "trade school" at least ;)

  5. I have veneers. I have nightmares that they might pop off. I don't think I will read anymore comments=)

  6. oh no he di-n't do that to your tooth!! why, why, why?!?! that dentist is on crack.
    Anyways, your fake tooth looks great! I would have never known!

  7. uggh!
    you look fabulous...."picniked" or not!
    my husband has 2 fake front teeth and it drives him crazy. he knocked them out in college when he accidentally slipped on a floor and hit his teeth directly on the tile. he says he is constantly aware of it because of the way it feels and has nightmares all the time about his teeth falling out.

  8. Oh my word - that is quite a story. I am SOOO sorry for the crazy dentist! You look amazing and the rest of us would have never noticed.

  9. one of my front teeth is longer than the other, too! When my dentist asked if I wanted it fixed, I said, NO thanks! I think I'm glad I did!

  10. INSANITY! i am a dental hygienist and i see some interesting dentistry out there...what sadness...you are correct all he need to do was file it down a mm ...that kind of dentistry is all about the moolah!

  11. that might be the saddest story I have ever read! I mean, I am just as vain as the next woman but this ridiculous! I totally would have said yes too.

  12. seriously... this is the craziest dentist story i've ever heard. you so don't deserve that fake tooth.

  13. oh, dear. that's awful. and to do that to an unknowing twenty-something! picnik...what did we do without it?!

  14. Crazy! I have a fake front tooth as well but mine was because of a beer bottle. :) Anyway, it also doesn't look that bad in person but looks gray in photos. Drives me crazy but life goes on.

  15. I hear ya! I have a tooth that is slightly gray in pictures! I nned to use picnik...good advice! Then maybe my hubby won't call me "gray tooth" - like "sharp tooth" from the Land Before Time. nice, i know.

  16. You have a cute blog. I'm following you. :o)

  17. I had a chip on the back of one of my front teeth. So my dentist filed it down. I was mortified..I felt like I look totally different but know I can even notice anymore! What a quack you had..I would have popped him in the mouth and made his teeth fall out!!!! I want to be a dental hygienist btw :)

  18. Would have never guessed! You have a beautiful smile! My front four teeth are fake, so I guess I'm in GOOD company! :)

  19. That's craziness!
    But I love photo fixes!!

  20. O.K., first of all, your tooth does not look bad at all. It is very pretty.
    Secondly- What in the World was he thinking?!? Why would he do that? What a Quack!!! I am so mad for you.

  21. I think this post would be more accurately titled "the stupid dentist"

    Because apparently your dentist did not go to the same dental school that my dentist went to. I just got the other one filed down. Done and done.

    stupid dentist.

  22. I have a fake front tooth also. Mine was a childhood accident though. Going up the slide the wrong way and I turned my head and chipped my tooth. My mom took me to the local dentist who was "on call". Well I guess he had been home drinking, I'm assuming he tried covering up the chip or something. All I remember it was a horrible job. My mom took me the next day to a children dentist in another town and he fixed it. I get the same problems in my photos now also and use PSP to correct it, lol.

  23. I had a dentist like that! Grrrr!!! I'm sooo sorry you did too!

  24. Doesn't look bad. In my husband's younger years, he knocked a golf ball into his friends mouth while they were goofing off and knocked out both of his front teeth. He has two fake front teeth. Everytime I see him I notice, and I feel bad that my husband was responsible for that. Even though it was 10 years before I met him!

  25. That's such an awful story! My fiance has two fake front teeth but his were knocked out in a karate tournament at 19. Way cooler story than an idiot dentist! Sorry! Thank God for digital photography with easy fixes!

  26. ohhhhh stupid tooth I have your mildly discoloured cousin!! Thanx for this post you made me smile extra wide!

  27. I have half a fake tooth in front! When I was in 3rd grade I forgot my gym shoes and my teacher said to just run around in my socks. I slipped right into the wall, breaking half of my front tooth off. They put a bond on it. Parts of the bond have chipped off a few times and I've had to look squirrely for a few days until I could get in to get it rebonded...I don't notice mine looking bad in pictures, but I always what to do tooth whitening - it doesn't work on fake teeth, I guess. Ugh!

    Apparently though, according to your comments - lots of people have fake front teeth! Nice to know we're not alone :)

  28. Oh my word! I just love how you write! I was laughing at this post and your awesome sense of humor...not the fact that you have such a terrible dentist story! You are always such a joy to read...LOVE!

  29. Okay that is the craziest story ever! What was up with that dentist??? Sounds like going crazy not fixing a problem!!

    I had "bruised" teeth when my adult teeth came in (bottom front 2) and they looked like I had egg on them, so I have veneers too that are about 4 shades too dark! I always wonder how they are so dark and my other teeth are lighter than them with the amount of Diet Coke I drink, but???

    And now I'm completely freaked out about my teeth...as a crazy grinder who has a small chip in a tooth already, who knows what damage I could do?

  30. Lol! I'm thinking picnik whitening is a way cheaper option to go! Thanks for the tip! I can keep drinking red wine and coffee!

  31. You are a hilarious and amazing writer, Julie. You should have your own column. My story is not as funny as yours, but I have part of a fake tooth and I ALWAYS notice the color change. Darned children running down the stairs!

  32. I have a fake tooth on top of a vampire point too -- but my old tooth, the one that is now the vampire point was dead so it always showed up gray or brownish in photos and drove me crazy, now my fake tooth matches but it's funny at the gum line and I'm the only person in the world who notices but would love to have it fixed by a better dentist someday...sigh.

  33. I have a fake tooth on top of a vampire point too -- but my old tooth, the one that is now the vampire point was dead so it always showed up gray or brownish in photos and drove me crazy, now my fake tooth matches but it's funny at the gum line and I'm the only person in the world who notices but would love to have it fixed by a better dentist someday...sigh.

  34. i never noticed it.
    but what a funny story. i have plenty of dental stories too. this past appt. i went in and for the first time in my entire life....no cavities. i asked for a balloon. :)
    at one point they said "you haven't been here since 2007" and i said "because i don't like you."
    it's the truth.
    picnik is awesome.

  35. Sometimes I think you and I are those twins that never met and have different moms. I have a gnarly fake front tooth as well and I am also a grinder. Picnik is also my BFF.

  36. Oh, I'm so sorry that happened to you. I sure hope he's not practicing anymore!

    You are the cutest! Don't you worry one second about that tooth!

  37. First I must say I never would have known having met you in person. 2nd - what a dishonest guy!! I had uneven front top and bottom teeth after braces so my ortho just filed them down. That guy was totally after the insurance payoff! What a complete jerk. He should be reported! However, I loved your humorous spin on the story!

  38. Same scenario when I was 16. Had one tooth filed down. Had no idea vampire teeth were an option. Happy with my old man boring dentist. Sorry your popular dentist caused all the problems. But you rock a gorgeous smile, Picnik or not.

  39. I think you should email a link to this post to the dentist. Really.

  40. One of my friends went through THE SAME THING. And - yes. It was from one of those super popular & busy dentists.

  41. Ugh I hate dental issues...

    On other thoughts, I have veneers on almost all of my top teeth. Being sickly as a kid ruined the enamel on my teeth.

    And I just forked down $320 for a new bite guard at the dentist this week. As I am a grind also.

    Julie's who like Fiestaware and Grind their teeth UNITE!!!

    And turquoise kinda rocks too!

  42. don't get me started about dentists!

    Hi, I hope you don't mind, I have added one of your tutorials to my 100+ fat quarter tutorials post, thank you for sharing :o)

  43. It's still a great smile! Hey I have two fake teeth (crowns) that happened in a very similar way, weird how the dentist knows best, huh? My story is best acted out, so we'll save it for another day. . . .

  44. :-O Are you for serious?! I work in the Dental field, and that is not how the cosmetic Dentist I worked for would have handled your situtation. He would have shaved the longer tooth a smidge to match the shorter tooth.......OMG!
    For your grinding do you wear a mouth guard to sleep? May want to look into it if you don't. Over the counter ones work fine :)

  45. WOW, I can't believe how many teeth stories there are! I personally have perfect teeth - I know you now hate me - thats okay, I have plenty of other health problems I would trade for teeth issues :)

    My 2 year old on the other hand, has a fake front tooth - he chipped it and we weren't going to have it fixed since its a baby tooth -but after seeing some photos of people who didn't EVER fix their teeth and one too many hockey jokes, we went ahead and had the whole vampire tooth - cap thing done. So what happens 2 weeks later??? He falls and chips the other front tooth! - So now he has one fake front tooth and one chipped front tooth.
    What ya do! :)

  46. Your smile is too pretty to focus on that little tooth! Dentists are of the devil...okay, that may be too strong, but I still don't like them. Love your funky sunglasses!

  47. I have one tooth (off to the side) that's a diff. color...I don't think others can see it, but it drives me batty. I think you're rather stunning :)

  48. Cracking up here (no pun intended)! What a funny story! Thanks for the giggle!

  49. After a lifetime of no cavaties, no braces, and just an amazing streak of blessings... I was dropped on my face after 12 hours of natural childbirth trying to go to the bathroom... and after I told the nurse that I was getting sick and felt like I would pass out. Too many details for a comment, but let's just say I'm well used to vampire teeth by now. My teeth fell off so many times, making me cry my eyes out, until I met the perfect dentist...
    loving, kind, and skilled-- hallelujah!

    If you're ever in Nashville, I'll hook you up! He's a God send!

    So sorry to hear your story, but you look fabulous!

  50. Oh, girl....maybe you need to switch dentists...you probably already have. Don't worry because it really doesn't show at all in real life! Love the post!

  51. Julie!!
    Stop it!
    I was laughing so hard at your story because I can totally picture you sitting in that chair saying "What the heck is this crazy man doing? I have a VAMPIRE tooth!" Oh my gosh.
    If I ever meet up with him in a dark alley I will tell him what I think of him for sure!
    Fake or not, your teeth and you are too cute!

  52. Oh my goodness, I just laughed so hard and then had to read it to my husband because he asked why I was laughing. Your teeth are beautiful and straight! Way to go Picnik :).

  53. I agree, I do not heart dentists. I really haven't found a good dentist yet and I have plenty of horror stories of caps, almost miscolorings, jacked up prices, and making four trips into my mouth to take out a tooth.

  54. I just love reading your blog! You always make me laugh!! Thank you for that!

  55. I rarely have photos of myself, but when I do, I photoshop my front teeth too.

    Broken teeth on concrete stairs at 6 years old into the front lip. Surgery to remove pieces. Broken teeth until 8th grade when I got them bonded. Braces in high school. Braces again several years ago. They stayed straight for a while, but now are crooked again and one is shorter and discolored. Nobody notices it but me.

    My poor 9 year old I photoshop her teeth because she tripped on wooden stairs when she was two and damaged her fronts and it affected the permanent teeth. So we are beginning the braces phase, but vow she will never have discolored teeth after they come off.

    ps - I think you look awesome just the way you are!

  56. What the busy dentist did to your perfectly good front tooth is not funny, but the way you wrote this had me cracking up!
    I love reading your blog!!!

  57. this might be the best story I have ever read.

    I also heart Picnik. I don't have a fake tooth...but I always use the whitening feature, especially on my wedding pics.

  58. Your story/picturs really struck me as funny because I can so relate! Back when I was 21 too (I'm now 37) I was taking a drink and someone hit my bottle and chipped my front tooth. I had to get it capped too and although it has really held up it is turning more and more yellow over the years. So, I've asked what I can do about it and my dentist tells me I can get it knocked out and re-done, which doesn't sound fun and I don't have dental insurance! Just thought I'd try to make you laugh too! I really enjoy your blog that I found via cheney's pleated poppy blog, thanks for it!