Can you punch a hair product in the face?

(Feel free to laugh at me.  Because this is an awful, laughable, disastrous, mess, times fifty thousand.)

A bit ago I had a little adventure at Walmart.  Apparently, the aftershocks of that day keep coming. But worse.  My accused lack of eyelashes is nothing.  NOTHING.

After leaving Walmart lady, I walked by the hair product aisles.  I was running low on my usual products and had a coupon for a new line.  A new line with commercials featuring Heidi Klum.  (Who I would bet that she doesn't even use the products that she reps for.  I mean like those celebrities that shill boxed hair color... REALLY????  You, you zillionaire, with your stylists and trainers, and personal chefs, color your hair WITH NICE 'N EASY??????  But that is besides the point.)

Everything was sold out, but one shampoo and one what I assumed to be a hair type mask.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA was I mistaken.

But I tucked it in the cart, and went on my way.

Now let me fill you in on my hair, it is crazy long, super dry, curly, coarse, abused by my flat iron, and not supposed to be blonde.  It needs care.  Good care.  I don't splurge on shoes or makeup.  I splurge on hair products.  Why I was in Walmart with a coupon for a mystery one, I will never know.

This is Clear.  Nice simple packaging.  Shea butter- a good moisturizing ingredient.  A good size for the money.  Therapy.  Who doesn't need a little?  What could go wrong?  (Spoiler alert:  A LOT.)

Random fact about me- I take showers at really weird times.  Most days I will try to take one during the children-are-around-hours, but that never happens.  Next thing I know it is way past bedtime and if I do not take one rightthisverysecond I am convinced that I will die a slow horrible I need a shower badly type of death.  So at 12:37 a.m. I decided it was the day to use this new nourishing product.

The thing is, at 12:37 everyone is sleeping and it is dark.  Like I said, super weird.

I attempted to read the directions by a dimmed light, but THERE ARE NONE.
None.  That should have been red flag #1.
Above is all that the label tells you.  So pretty much nothing.
Who doesn't put instructions on products?  Seriously, who????

In the proceeding darkness I took a big old scoop, for my big old dry hair.
It didn't feel like the hair masks that I have used before.
I put it on my hair.
IT REALLY DIDN'T feel like the hair masks I had used before.
It felt like I took a huge scoop of Carmex and coated my hair with it.

Ya.  Awesome.

Five washings later it still felt like I jumped in a vat of Carmex.  Except now the warm water was making it run down my face and back too.  EVEN MORE AWESOME.

Now it is past 1am.  The hot water is on it's way out.  My blood pressure is on it's way up.  I give up.  Get out.
Do what any person does, Google.
Except there is not really any info to be found.

I find the vague website.  The Facebook page.  The unanswered questions on the Facebook page commenting on how this product has no instructions.

No mention on how to get it the heck off your hair though.

Jump to the next morning.  I meet my friend for our walking adventure in the boiling sun.
The wax is melting all over me.
All I can think is ZITS ZITS ZITS.  Like a teenager on school picture day.
My hair looks like I just got out of the shower.  But I didn't.

When I get home, I call the number on the package.
It is a... wait for it....
A POPSICLE RECALL HOTLINE.

I kid you not.
Who is punking me???????
Come on...

I send them a tweet.  A Facebook message.  A comment on the contact box on the website.
Crickets.  Chirping.  Nada.  No advice.  Not a peep.

From my sleuthing, I guess this is more of a pomade type product to put on you hair after you style it?
But I still don't get why it is so big, it would take me years to go through.
Or why it is good for your scalp.  I don't know anyone who would put waxy pomade on their scalp.
More like a pea-sized amount on flyaways and dry ends.
But what do I know?
I'm an Irish girl, and I guess it's REALLY, REALLY, REALLY not meant for Irish girls.

I spent my afternoon soaking in the pool. 

That did nothing.

Dumping an entire container of cornstarch on my head.

That did nothing.

Scrubbing it with dish soap just like those little oil covered ducks.

That did nothing.

Washing it with hardcore clarifying shampoo.

That did nothing.

Being a girl is fun.

I need a fedora. 

Clear needs some clear instructions,

and a punch in the face.

xoxo, 

waxy, greasy, crying about her hair, girl

Easy sandal makeover.

So, I have wanted a pair of yellow Salt Water sandals forever and ever and ever. 

Sigh...

Someday.  Perhaps.  

Until that day, I was severely lacking in the yellow sandal department.  Tragic, I know.

I fell in super like with this funky braided pair at Target this spring, but here is the deal, I have brown, turquoise, and coral sandals already.  The elusive yellow haunted me.

In the back of my mind I thought... hello, paint them.

So I bought the brown pair.

Totally normal, right?

My first thought was spray paint, but that seemed questionable.

Then I remembered the post about leather paint at Lil Blue Boo.

All giddy I ordered a bottle of yellow, certain that I would have a brand new pair by the weekend.

The weekend of March 23rd.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA.

Two months later I finally have a pair of sunny sandals.

It's an easy enough project.

A kindergarten worksheet and some painters tape to cover the soles.

Some leather paint.

Seriously.  Not hard.

The paint even comes with it's own little brush.  Awesome, right?

Unless you are Goldilocks and the sandals are your three bears.

The yellow was REALLY NEON.  Like whoa.  Which is so great if I wanted neon sandals.

So great.  But I didn't.

Perhaps another coat would make them less neon-y.

Then another.

Then another.

Four coats in, they were still neontastic.

So I caved, ordered a bottle of mustard.

Which is super brown mustardy.

Which would be perfect if I wanted brown mustard sandals.

Three coats of mustard and they were more brown than yellow.

Sort of how they started.

Rad.

THEY WERE NOT GOING TO DEFEAT ME.

A little mixy-mix of the neon and the brown mustard, two more coats and sunshine shined down on the I-probably-should-have-just-thrown-down-for-the-Salt-Waters-in-the-first-place sandals.

It became a joke in the house.  The sandals that would never end, were now JUST RIGHT.

But seriously.  They are so happy, so sunny, so cute.  Worth all of the drama.  All of the jokes.
I might still want Salt Waters.  But I do love these.

How cute would they be in red....

Happy Sunday.

Insta-friday week 21

It's been a

 Pot luck-ing,

 Eight celebrating,

 Food begging,

 Fast and Furious watching,
(It never gets old, and I might have even watched it by myself.)

 Sand eating, 

 Curly curling,

 Summer craving,

Album recording,

Pam's cheesecake making,

Open house-ing,

Epic battling,

super fun week.

Link up your happy little moments.

Magical pajamas.

So, I was really awesome at getting my kids to sleep.  Like the mom you hate.  The mom who's kids sleep through the night at eight weeks.  The kids who still take naps in second grade.  The mom who is secretly all judgey of the other moms who have kids that don't sleep.  The mom who just thought- hello, you put them in their cribs and they sleep.  It's not rocket surgery.

BUT IT IS ROCKET SURGERY!!!

Because this boy turned everything upside down.  All of my tricks.  All of the tricks of everyone else in the universe.  Yes, everyone in the universe told me what to try.  I cannot believe I used to be THAT GIRL with THE ANSWER.  Ewwwwwwwww.

None of them worked.  I became the mom that the other secretly judgey moms judged.

(I totally deserved it.)

Until... he slept his very first FULL night in his crib.  On his ten month birthday.  TEN MONTHS.  Not ten weeks.  Yep.  Judge away.  I can take it.  If I can take ten months of horrible sleep, I can take a little judgement.

But you know what ten months does to you?  Makes you a little irrational.  Superstitious. Paranoid.  Loco.

These little moose jammies?  I am operating under the delusion that they are woven of magical sleeping glitter.  Because the first time he wore them, was the first time that he slept straight through.

So guess what he wore again last night?
Yep.  Hello moose.
Those moose worked their magic again.

Guess what is in the washing machine right this very moment?

Moose.

He might just wear them every single night until he moves out of the house.

(Thanks Kendra.  The moose are my fave.)