But in the back of my mind it was always there. I would think about what words I would use, where it would lead, but still, I never sat down to actually type those words out.
I am so very glad that I didn't. I am glad that I waited. I am grateful that Jeannett asked me to wrap up her beautiful Infant Loss and Miscarriage series. Because of that opportunity, I was able write a similar, yet wholly different post. A post that I could not have written without the stories, experiences and hearts that were shared with me this week.
My original idea was to write a manifesto of sorts, of what NOT to say to someone walking the dark journey of grief.
Sadly, a post like that would be very easy to write. What it would not be is helpful. It would not be equipping. Instead it would be sad. Guilt inducing. Because all of us have uttered words that we wish we could take back, as well meaning as our original intentions might have been.
Instead my heart changed along the way. I grew up. The goal became more about sharing simple, tangible, practical steps that we all could do when comforting those faced with tragedy.
I read and re-read each comment. My heart broke from your pain. I learned so much from each word. Realized that there are many areas that I could do better in.
Although I hate to put into practice what I culled from your advice, I know that a time will come when I need to.
For that I am very thankful.
A great quote that was shared stated simply this:
"I will have sympathy as long as you have grief."
When tragedy and loss occur to those we love, it is so difficult to know exactly what to do.
The fear of doing or saying the wrong thing often keeps us from helping those who are in need of us the most.
It is my hope that you can take a few things from this list to better equip you to be a comfort in time of loss.
It’s not easy. It’s scary. In fact it is downright messy. But you will never know how much your effort, strength, and presence can mean in a time of grief.
Reading through the beautiful comments on this post, some reoccurring themes were woven throughout.
It is my hearts desire to give them justice, to honor them, to give practical action steps. I encourage you to take time to read through the beautiful and real stories to better understand the hearts of grieving parents.
1. Don’t try to offer an explanation. Don’t attempt to “fix” them.
Bad things happen in our world. Simple reasons don’t make those bad things hurt any less. Most often there is no reason. Explanations discount and negate grief. They don’t bring back what was lost, or suddenly make the grieving parent think “well, I guess it was worth it then…”
They miss their child. Words and platitudes won’t change that.
“I suggest letting the parents talk about the baby. I suggest they say the baby’s name. It is sweet balm to hear others talk of my baby. Listen, listen, listen. No advice! Hugs & ears. That is all you need.”
2. Be there when it is difficult.
It will be difficult. It will be overwhelming. Do not stay away because you feel like you have nothing to offer, or you aren’t strong enough. Your presence alone is enough, and you never know your strength until you test it. Show up. Don’t feel like you need to be prepared or equipped. Meet them at the hospital, the funeral home. Support often means action. Cry with them. Sit in silence with them. Listen to them. Be there for them.
“..my cousin sent me a very simple card she made… one piece of card stock, in her own handwriting, it said “I am here to listen to you.” and then in the corner she wrote her work phone number… even though I have those numbers… that was five years ago and I still carry that card with me.”
“A friend of mine called me and said “I’m here, no matter what. To listen, to cry, to laugh, to get yelled at if it makes you feel better. You name it, I’m here” That meant a lot and truly helped me through.”
3. Remember due dates and birthdays.
This one is a big one. Often people are afraid to acknowledge dates for fear that the parent will be reminded or upset. The thing is, the parents need no reminding. The dates are always there. Always looming. Even years and years down the line. Your remembering will be comforting, not harming. Get out your calendar. Mark down birth dates, death dates, due dates. Send a simple “thinking of you” card. Make a quick phone call. Do not be afraid to use the baby’s name. You will be a little light in a very dark day for them.
“I think one of the most important things we can say to a woman who has lost a baby is that it is OK to be sad. For a really long time. That you will miss the baby always and that you are allowed to. Supposed to. A year later, ask her how she is doing and let her know that you still care. It will help so much.”
“When a dear friend lost her baby mid pregnancy, I called another friend who had the same experience, and asked what would be the best thing to do… her response was to remember her due date in a special way. She had one friend who remembered and sent her a very sweet card on that day… she said it meant the world to her that someone else remembered the date that was cemented in her head (you know how we all new moms get about their due dates… it is THE day!)… months after her miscarriage, someone else was thinking about them still, praying for all the continued healing and blessings…”
4. Continue to check in.
Right after a loss everyone wants to help. Everyone is thinking about the grieving family. But as time moves on, life moves on. Sadly, grief is not so quick to also move on. It settles in deeply often at the same time that support begins to wane. This is when it is so very important to keep checking in. Keep calling. Keep showing up. Grief does not follow any tidy timeline. Often it settles in for much longer than others might feel is appropriate. It is a long and painful journey, made better with continual support from loving friends and family.
“Remembering is huge and meaningful. Giving advice is not. Let us cry, rant, grieve, whatever it takes and love us anyway. Think about how situations with new babies may bring up raw emotions and feelings. Don’t dismiss the hurt. Hug, check in, pray, and care…don’t try to fix things just be there.”
5. Don’t compare.
Everyone has a story. Some much worse than others. But in the midst of loss, the only story that matters is their own story. Being told of worse stories minimizes loss and pain. Keep comparisons to yourself.
“I hated hearing things like “don’t worry, you will get pregnant again” or “I had ____ many miscarriages and look now I have healthy kids”. I was never concerned with that. I just lost my baby. I wanted THAT baby. The death was what I wanted mourned not the pregnancy.
The best thing said, was nothing. I had a friend come over and offer to just sit with me. We sat in silence, eating ice cream. In that moment, I felt like my world wasn’t ending.”
6. Do something.
Often people grappling with loss and grief cannot articulate what they need. Basic daily tasks often seem impossible. This is when you need to just show up. Just do something. Organize meals. Clean their house. Wash their laundry. Take care of their children. Take over yard work. Take them out to the movies. Send them off for a weekend getaway. Look for a need and step in an meet that need.
“my third pregnancy was a miscarriage. i was devastated. a few days after coming home from the hospital my friend jenny came over and looked at me on the couch. i could not move. i could not bear to get up. she took my children to play….she cooked….she did the dishes….and i laid there thinking “get up! don’t let her do that for you” get UP!!” but i physically could not. i was so broken. i couldn’t even talk. so i laid there and realized what a wonderful friend she was. she did what i could not. she didn’t make me talk. or wait until i asked her to help. she just got to work doing mom stuff. and she didn’t even have children yet! she just did what was needed. i have loved that moment in my memories for 11 years. she was awesome that day.”
“Those friends and family who just showed up and held us, made meals for us, sat with us and cried with us… those are the things I will never forget. We didn’t have to ask for anything or for anyone to come.. they just did! Asking a person who just lost a child what you can do to help is kind of a silly question. To be honest we don’t know what you can do to help because at that moment we feel so helpless ourselves. Just being there and giving love is so important. My husband and I would never of made it five months without the love and support of our family and friends. Be their rock and love them like you have never loved before!”
“In a time of loss, people often ask what they can do to help. I find that it’s often hard to ask people for help, even when they offer. So instead of asking, just do! Bring over food, flowers, show up and help. Be there for people. And acknowledge that there are no words for comfort, other than I’m sorry, I love you, I’m here.”
7. A simple “I’m so sorry.” goes a long way.
When words fail, actions fall short, know that a simple “I am so very sorry.” is often the only small bit of comfort that you can offer. It might be the support that they need to get through the next minute, hour or day. Similar phrases like I am thinking of you, I am hurting for you, I am here for you can be helpful too.
“I think the most important thing is to be sensitive to , and respect how the parents want to grieve. Just because something helped me, it doesn’t mean it will help them. Support them in their grief… sometimes that just means saying “I am so sorry, I wish I could help take some of this pain away for you.” and then being available.”
Beautiful, friend.
ReplyDeleteYour heart - and Joy's life - are a blessing to so, so many people.
xo.
Keri
Beautiful post! Thanks.
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting this Julie. I recently walked this road alongside a very dear friend. I was clueless as far as what to do, what to say. So I was just THERE. I LISTENED when she wanted to talk, whether it made sense to me or not. I kept my tounge silent to avoid saying anything that would hurt her. I also kept her other 5 children while she and her husband had to go to the hospital.
ReplyDeleteIt was very hard walking this road with her, because Id never been down it myself.
So thank you for posting this for others who may need to just BE THERE and DO SOMETHING for someone near to their hearts. It means alot.
loved this. thank you for posting it. Your heart is gold!
ReplyDeleteJulie...this is just so beautiful! Joy has forever touched our lives. Your testimony has touched so many hearts. Joy has forever touched me and John's heart.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this beautiful, beautiful post.
Many blessings & much love to you and your baby boy growing inside.
this is so gracious.
ReplyDeletei think there are many times that it's hard to choose grace....but you just did it.
i am totally into your program.
I didn't want to read, cause I knew my heart would be heavy and my fears that I try to ignore everyday during this pregnancy would surface. I knew I would cry. But, I needed to read, I wanted to read, I've needed this advise before, some more helpful ways or suggestions of how to be there for someone going through a loss. The only thing I've ever been able to say is I'm so sorry, I wish there was something I could do. Now I know that just that is ok. And now I know how to go a bit further, to remember dates, to cook some dinners, etc. My heart breaks for every couple, for every woman, for every family who has lost a child.
ReplyDeleteThanks for writing. Thanks for being you. Thanks for always being real.
I am so very grateful to have read your post on here and over on the blog. I haven't been in yours (and many other women's) situation but I do have friends. I've never been sure what to say and I appreciate this more than you'll ever know. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteLove this. Very special post and worth reading over and over. Thank you so much.
ReplyDeleteblessings,
Debbie
Thank you so much.
ReplyDeleteGreat thoughts -- thx for sharing
ReplyDeleteBeautifully put, and true.
ReplyDeleteThere is no fixed formula, for being there...NOR for grieving/coping.
Too many different complex personalities, and same-but-different situations and moods.....what helped one day , for one person, may be horrificly hurtful on another day or for another person.
:-)
I wish we could be "real world" friends! You are amazing! Thank you so much for your blog:). Keep up the awesome posts! Hugs! Mollie
ReplyDeleteAMEN. perfectly said.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who did experience a miscarriage, thank you. This is perfect, especially the quote at the end of the post.
ReplyDeleteThis is perfect! Thank you for sharing it.
ReplyDeleteThis was a great way to share!
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful post. I have experienced miscarriage and this is just perfect.
ReplyDeleteJulie, I was thinking of you today & yesterday & I've been praying for you & what God has for you. I hope your day today is looking up. You are a beautiful person!
ReplyDeleteJulie, thank you for this post! I have a friend who is going through a very tough pregnancy and I have no way to know what in the world to say or how to act. I have 4 healthy children, my youngest just turned 7 months. I am thankful for your blog and thankful for you. When I need a dose of sunshine I know I can find it through your amazing posts. Jesus shines through you daily!!! :)
ReplyDeleteJulie, thank you so much for this post!! I have lost 4 babies so this hits very close to home with me. When I read your first post I was flooded with the memories of the ugly/hurtful things that were said during our times of loss, but as I thought on it for several days I started remembering the nice/loving things. People sending flowers & cards some from people we didn't even know they just heard our story & felt called to do somethings, all the prayers people prayed for us/with us through our pain & every time we found out we were pregnant again, a good friend giving me a journal so I could write out my feelings when it was too much to talk about, etc. My husband & I have been so blessed! We now have 2 beautiful children (3 yr old DD & 6 month old DS) & 4 more waiting for us up in heaven. Can't wait to meet them one day :-)
ReplyDeleteJulie, I absolutely love this, and thank you for writing this. After losing two babies, my heart was broken. At times, it became shattered by the words of my own friends; not because they were intentionally trying to hurt me.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you!
Lauren
Beautiful post. Having lost a daughter in January 2010 I find that when I tell someone that I have two daughters, one in heaven & one on earth, they never really know how to react or what to say. Thank you for this posting (:
ReplyDelete