Thursday, June 2, 2011

Glad it took so long.

There has been a post that I have wanted to write for years.  Yet for some reason I didn't.

But in the back of my mind it was always there.  I would think about what words I would use, where it would lead, but still, I never sat down to actually type those words out.

I am so very glad that I didn't.  I am glad that I waited.  I am grateful that Jeannett asked me to wrap up her beautiful Infant Loss and Miscarriage series.  Because of that opportunity, I was able write a similar, yet wholly different post.  A post that I could not have written without the stories, experiences and hearts that were shared with me this week.

My original idea was to write a manifesto of sorts, of what NOT to say to someone walking the dark journey of grief.

Sadly, a post like that would be very easy to write.  What it would not be is helpful.  It would not be equipping.  Instead it would be sad.  Guilt inducing.  Because all of us have uttered words that we wish we could take back, as well meaning as our original intentions might have been.

Instead my heart changed along the way.  I grew up.  The goal became more about sharing simple, tangible, practical steps that we all could do when comforting those faced with tragedy.

I read and re-read each comment.  My heart broke from your pain.  I learned so much from each word.  Realized that there are many areas that I could do better in.
Although I hate to put into practice what I culled from your advice, I know that a time will come when I need to.

For that I am very thankful.

A great quote that was shared stated simply this:
"I will have sympathy as long as you have grief."


Visit Life Rearranged to learn simple ways to help a grieving friend.

24 comments:

  1. Beautiful, friend.
    Your heart - and Joy's life - are a blessing to so, so many people.

    xo.
    Keri

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  2. Thank you for posting this Julie. I recently walked this road alongside a very dear friend. I was clueless as far as what to do, what to say. So I was just THERE. I LISTENED when she wanted to talk, whether it made sense to me or not. I kept my tounge silent to avoid saying anything that would hurt her. I also kept her other 5 children while she and her husband had to go to the hospital.
    It was very hard walking this road with her, because Id never been down it myself.
    So thank you for posting this for others who may need to just BE THERE and DO SOMETHING for someone near to their hearts. It means alot.

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  3. loved this. thank you for posting it. Your heart is gold!

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  4. Julie...this is just so beautiful! Joy has forever touched our lives. Your testimony has touched so many hearts. Joy has forever touched me and John's heart.

    Thank you for this beautiful, beautiful post.
    Many blessings & much love to you and your baby boy growing inside.

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  5. this is so gracious.
    i think there are many times that it's hard to choose grace....but you just did it.
    i am totally into your program.

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  6. I didn't want to read, cause I knew my heart would be heavy and my fears that I try to ignore everyday during this pregnancy would surface. I knew I would cry. But, I needed to read, I wanted to read, I've needed this advise before, some more helpful ways or suggestions of how to be there for someone going through a loss. The only thing I've ever been able to say is I'm so sorry, I wish there was something I could do. Now I know that just that is ok. And now I know how to go a bit further, to remember dates, to cook some dinners, etc. My heart breaks for every couple, for every woman, for every family who has lost a child.
    Thanks for writing. Thanks for being you. Thanks for always being real.

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  7. I am so very grateful to have read your post on here and over on the blog. I haven't been in yours (and many other women's) situation but I do have friends. I've never been sure what to say and I appreciate this more than you'll ever know. Thank you!

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  8. Love this. Very special post and worth reading over and over. Thank you so much.
    blessings,
    Debbie

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  9. Great thoughts -- thx for sharing

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  10. Beautifully put, and true.
    There is no fixed formula, for being there...NOR for grieving/coping.
    Too many different complex personalities, and same-but-different situations and moods.....what helped one day , for one person, may be horrificly hurtful on another day or for another person.
    :-)

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  11. I wish we could be "real world" friends! You are amazing! Thank you so much for your blog:). Keep up the awesome posts! Hugs! Mollie

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  12. As someone who did experience a miscarriage, thank you. This is perfect, especially the quote at the end of the post.

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  13. This is perfect! Thank you for sharing it.

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  14. What a beautiful post. I have experienced miscarriage and this is just perfect.

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  15. Julie, I was thinking of you today & yesterday & I've been praying for you & what God has for you. I hope your day today is looking up. You are a beautiful person!

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  16. Julie, thank you for this post! I have a friend who is going through a very tough pregnancy and I have no way to know what in the world to say or how to act. I have 4 healthy children, my youngest just turned 7 months. I am thankful for your blog and thankful for you. When I need a dose of sunshine I know I can find it through your amazing posts. Jesus shines through you daily!!! :)

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  17. Julie, thank you so much for this post!! I have lost 4 babies so this hits very close to home with me. When I read your first post I was flooded with the memories of the ugly/hurtful things that were said during our times of loss, but as I thought on it for several days I started remembering the nice/loving things. People sending flowers & cards some from people we didn't even know they just heard our story & felt called to do somethings, all the prayers people prayed for us/with us through our pain & every time we found out we were pregnant again, a good friend giving me a journal so I could write out my feelings when it was too much to talk about, etc. My husband & I have been so blessed! We now have 2 beautiful children (3 yr old DD & 6 month old DS) & 4 more waiting for us up in heaven. Can't wait to meet them one day :-)

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  18. Julie, I absolutely love this, and thank you for writing this. After losing two babies, my heart was broken. At times, it became shattered by the words of my own friends; not because they were intentionally trying to hurt me.
    God bless you!
    Lauren

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  19. Beautiful post. Having lost a daughter in January 2010 I find that when I tell someone that I have two daughters, one in heaven & one on earth, they never really know how to react or what to say. Thank you for this posting (:

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