Life has fully unprepared me for life. Parenting has fully unprepared me for parenting.
There are mornings that I just don't want to face.
There are nights that I don't think I will make it until the glorious hour of 8:15 when everyone is sleeping.
Maybe I am alone in this. I have a feeling however, that I'm not.
Our dear baby boy has a personality better suited for being the firstborn. A firstborn that is the center of the world, who can have a predictable schedule that isn't interrupted with the busy lives of his big sisters, who doesn't have to share, or wait, or not be the whole center of the world thing.
So that's fun.
If I was documenting a 365 project of him on Instagram it would have the hashtag #365daysofshanehatingtheuniverse
Not all the days, but at least once or one hundred dozen times a day, he hates the universe and all of the people who live in it. Including me.
It usually occurs when he is given water instead of juice, or is stopped from running out into the street, or forced to be buckled in a shopping cart, or today for instance, given half of an In-n-out cheeseburger instead of the whole thing.
OH THE HUMANITY.
So as we muddle through our days together, as we learn patience, attempt to figure each other out, and by night, when I force him to lay against my shoulder in the dark quietness of his room, I pray that he is washed in joy and peace, and ask God to give me the grace and strength to be the mother he needs.
I need so much grace. So much strength.
It's the hardest thing in the world.
Sometimes I don't need answers, advice or solutions.
I just need someone to tell me that we will survive.
I am hanging on to that.
Besides I think, deep down, secretly, when he doesn't know I'm looking, he really, really, really likes me.
Drew have to shoot 999 images of him furiously trying to wriggle away from my arms?
For sure. But for one frame, one split second, he nestled in, still and smiling.
She has no idea what a gift this picture is. What encouragement it is to my weary heart.
I love this boy in all of his wildness and fury.
This little smile and snuggle will help me survive.
Survive we will.