(Feel free to laugh at me. Because this is an awful, laughable, disastrous, mess, times fifty thousand.)
A bit ago I had a little adventure at Walmart. Apparently, the aftershocks of that day keep coming. But worse. My accused lack of eyelashes is nothing. NOTHING.
After leaving Walmart lady, I walked by the hair product aisles. I was running low on my usual products and had a coupon for a new line. A new line with commercials featuring Heidi Klum. (Who I would bet that she doesn't even use the products that she reps for. I mean like those celebrities that shill boxed hair color... REALLY???? You, you zillionaire, with your stylists and trainers, and personal chefs, color your hair WITH NICE 'N EASY?????? But that is besides the point.)
Everything was sold out, but one shampoo and one what I assumed to be a hair type mask.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA was I mistaken.
But I tucked it in the cart, and went on my way.
Now let me fill you in on my hair, it is crazy long, super dry, curly, coarse, abused by my flat iron, and not supposed to be blonde. It needs care. Good care. I don't splurge on shoes or makeup. I splurge on hair products. Why I was in Walmart with a coupon for a mystery one, I will never know.
The thing is, at 12:37 everyone is sleeping and it is dark. Like I said, super weird.
I attempted to read the directions by a dimmed light, but THERE ARE NONE.
None. That should have been red flag #1.
Above is all that the label tells you. So pretty much nothing.
Who doesn't put instructions on products? Seriously, who????
It didn't feel like the hair masks that I have used before.
I put it on my hair.
IT REALLY DIDN'T feel like the hair masks I had used before.
It felt like I took a huge scoop of Carmex and coated my hair with it.
Five washings later it still felt like I jumped in a vat of Carmex. Except now the warm water was making it run down my face and back too. EVEN MORE AWESOME.
Now it is past 1am. The hot water is on it's way out. My blood pressure is on it's way up. I give up. Get out.
Do what any person does, Google.
Except there is not really any info to be found.
I find the vague website. The Facebook page. The unanswered questions on the Facebook page commenting on how this product has no instructions.
No mention on how to get it the heck off your hair though.
Jump to the next morning. I meet my friend for our walking adventure in the boiling sun.
The wax is melting all over me.
All I can think is ZITS ZITS ZITS. Like a teenager on school picture day.
My hair looks like I just got out of the shower. But I didn't.
We always stop halfway through our walk to let the kids play at the park, and to get a little bit of a break in the shade. This particular day there were all these little bugs jumping out of the trees above, and landing on us. Except they didn't just land on me. THEY STUCK TO ME. All over me.
Ewwwwwwwww times ewwwwwwwww. Times more ewwwwwww. Then even more.
When I get home, I call the number on the package.
It is a... wait for it....
A POPSICLE RECALL HOTLINE.
I kid you not.
Who is punking me???????
I send them a tweet. A Facebook message. A comment on the contact box on the website.
Crickets. Chirping. Nada. No advice. Not a peep.
From my sleuthing, I guess this is more of a pomade type product to put on you hair after you style it?
But I still don't get why it is so big, it would take me years to go through.
Or why it is good for your scalp. I don't know anyone who would put waxy pomade on their scalp.
More like a pea-sized amount on flyaways and dry ends.
But what do I know?
I'm an Irish girl, and I guess it's REALLY, REALLY, REALLY not meant for Irish girls.