Wednesday, March 9, 2011

All the baby mama deets and drama.


I am halfway through my ninth pregnancy.
Ninth.  I hate having to write that number.  I hate even more having to list each and every one to a new doctor, and watching him have to turn the paper over to make room for my tragic saga.

Sadly with that number, I am much more acquainted with loss than I am with happy outcomes.  The only good thing that comes with my hideous maternal history, is now I get to see a perinatologist as my full time OB, and I get to see him ALL THE TIME.  Because he understands my crazy.  His goal is to keep me off the precipice of panic that I teeter along for the entirety of nine months.

What is pregnancy like after multiple losses?  For me it is a grueling and torturous marathon of physical and mental health.  I have the lovely honor of being a card carrying member of the hyperemesis gravidarum club.  Us HG mama's have the lucky privilege of losing our guts on a daily basis, often up until the day that the baby is born.  We also, if given a chance would most likely kiss the maker of Zofran on the mouth.  Passionately.

In any given moment, you can find me in one of two places: either violently and dramatically losing my cookies, or tearfully and dramatically wondering if this little baby is still alive.  You have no idea how much fun I am to be around.  Or how much my family suffers and sacrifices during this season.

I had the gift of one blissful, easy, textbook pregnancy.  In which I was never sick, read all the books, had lovely and wonderful baby showers, and prepared the nursery. My biggest worry was whether or not I could have blue cheese with my favorite salad, or how many milligrams of caffeine I could safely consume.  How I wish I could go back to those days and enjoy every single one of them again.  In a strange way, that pregnancy was a gift.  A beautiful gift.  Because when it all came crashing down, I had those 39 1/2 happy weeks to remember.  The only 39 1/2 weeks that I had here on earth with our sweet Joy.  They were some of the best weeks of my life.  Oh, to be naive again...

I look through pregnancy with a dark and shattered lens now.  One that I wish I never knew.  I am much older, much sicker and much more fearful than I was nine years ago.  But somehow, I carry on.  Through the crazy.  Through the trials.  Through the uncertainty.  Because each time my heart has shattered, God has lovingly put it back together.  Each time He puts it back together it is stronger and has the capacity to love more fully, deeply and authentically.
{The moment we told the girls about the new baby.}
These three little girls are worth the fight that they had getting here.  They are worth the tears.  The panic.  The struggle.  The fear.  The prayers.

This baby will be worth it too.  So very worth it.  If only I could find a way to hibernate until the end of July.

What you won't see or hear from me:
Much pregnancy talk.  People want you to be happy.  To skip through fields of flowers in a flowing dress.  I am in survival mode.  Survival mode is very scary.  Ugly even. So I keep the scary to myself.
Baby bump pics and updates.  Again, this is a journey that I struggle to get through.  Celebrating and documenting it? I just don't have it in me.
Nursery and layette prep.  I had a decorated and stocked nursery once.  It was dreamy and sweet and beautiful.  Coming home to it empty, was just too, too painful.  Now, I don't so much as buy a pack of diapers until after we bring the little one home.  Healthy?  Doubtful.  But it is my irrational way of protecting and controlling what little I can.

If I could ask for your prayers, for peace, for strength, for endurance, for grace that fills in the cracks where I am falling short, but most of all for faith that will see me through the next twenty weeks.

They would mean more to me than you could ever possibly know.

242 comments:

  1. oh how this speaks to me. I read this and silently tears stream down my face. my prayers are definately with you... sending you faith and hope.

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  2. Oh Julie thank you for sharing your heart. I have three biological daughters, and have had two miscarriages. Probably the most difficult things I have faced in my life, were those losses. And after my first miscarriage (which I had when my oldest was 8 months old), pregnancy has been different. The first trimester is always incredibly nerve-wracking, and even after that there is always the fear. Always. And guilt for not spending more time delighting in the sweet baby for as long as God gives him or her. Because I'm too busy wondering "what if" and being paranoid.

    Anyway, you and your newest little one will be in my prayers for sure.

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  3. I have recently begun following your blog...you have a beautiful family. I will keep you in my prayers and send you (and your family) hope, strength, and love.

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  5. Thank you for sharing this difficult time with us. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

    My best friend is going through some hard times in her marriage right now and I try to encourage her by reminding her that in God's sovereign plan, sometimes we are going to go through some hard times. They aren't going to be fun but He will see us through.

    "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;and when you pass through the rivers,they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned;the flames will not set you ablaze.For I am the LORD your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior" Isaiah 43:2-3

    God bless!

    Warm Regards,
    Nicole

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  6. I could almost copy this word for word on my blog. My experiences have been eerily silmilar. I feel for you. I will keep you in my thoughts!

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  7. You're in my thoughts and prayers. I met my darling friend Amy just as she was coming out of 5 months of HG but I had no idea what she had been through as I chatted her up during Sunday School - I only found out afterward what her personal Hell had been. She wrote a beautiful post about it - http://heymaughans.blogspot.com/2009/04/one-year-and-one-day-ago-i-remember.html.

    (((hugs))) and prayers

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  8. you are one in a million.
    you are a strong little cookie.
    i LOVE that picture.
    i can barely look at it with out breathing a little harder.
    what a beautiful thing to have on film.

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  9. Thank you for sharing some of your deepest thoughts and feelings. I will pray for you!

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  10. I too have experienced the losses and still no little one on this end I can hold, but I am still holding on to hope :) Praying that the Lord would provide you with abundant strength for this journey and loving comfort for the times of worry. XO ~Vanessa :)

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  11. Thank you for your honesty. It's not often that anyone talks about the scarier side of pregnancy...especially for those who have experienced great loss. My prayers definitely go out to you and your family.

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  12. Friend, you have my prayers. Done.
    Get yourself an index card and write Isaiah 41:10 on it and stick it in your pocket for the next 20 weeks. If you're like me, you'll need to pull it out and read it and pray it over and over. (Psalm 94:19 is another fave of mine.)
    He'll get you through. Hang in there, friend!

    xo,
    Keri

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  13. Your words really moved me. I'm sending lots of prayers to you and your beautiful family.

    Nicole

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  14. Aww Julie. :( wish i could tell you i know how you feel but i cant. All i can say is you are awesome. Huge hugs and kisses to you my friend!!!

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  15. thank you for sharing your heart and for being real. life is not all wonderfully sparkly and full of favorite things - even the wondrous event of the beginning of life. please know that you are in my prayers during this time.

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  16. shared this with a family member who is suffering with something similar right now...thanks

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  17. You and your family are in my prayers. I too have the same feelings toward the inventor if Zofran.

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  18. Thank you for sharing the hard parts of your life with us. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Having friends who've encountered the extreme pain of miscarriage and stillbirth I count myself as lucky even among the nearly two years of TTC we've had with no luck. I hope that you receive all the love and support that you can from the comments on post. I wrote a similar post a week ago and its uplifting to me to at least know that I'm not alone in all of it. I will pray for you and for your little baby.

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  19. you and your beautiful family are such an Inspiration, blessing and Light.. more prayers and thoughts coming your way sweet sister!

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  20. gentle hugs

    I have been pregnant 11 times with 13 babes (2 sets of twins) only 4 came home with me from the hospital.

    more hugs

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  21. i hear ya, sister!!!!! praying for you and your little one. ((((hugs)))

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  22. I will be praying for you - that all your needs will be met - I haven't experienced what you're going through, and can only imagine your fears and your pain. I have experienced other hardships, and I know God is alwayse ritght there, next to me, loving me, and feeling my pain, as He is with you. Tone

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  23. Nothing better than honesty my friend. Nothing. You are transparent and that's why we love you, are privledged to take your requests to Jesus. Gladly. Praying now.

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  24. Don't ever apologize for your feelings to us, even if we think they aren't typical. They are YOUR feelings and valid in their own right. We are all here for you, lifting you and your baby up. (hug)

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  25. Oh, you have me in tears. I am crossing everything for you. Thank you for sharing with us. Please keep unloading all these fears, it helps.

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  26. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  27. thanks for sharing the real.
    I'm praying for you right now. I am also a sicky pregnant girl and I have been amazed at how you've been continuing to blog so regularly and post all your pretty photos. I feel like I've been in survival mode....just white knuckling it many days. I'm pretty sure people are ready for me to feel better and start acting like myself again. ;) I was thinking you must be one of those people who feel great during pregnancy. So, I really appreciate you sharing the hard stuff. You will be on my heart daily and I will battle in prayer for you.
    blessings to you and your sweet baby,
    sara

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  28. Just said a little prayer for you Julie. I just had my first miscarriage and I can't imagine the loss you must feel after all you've been through. Praying for peace and a healthy pregnancy for you.

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  29. Praying for you Julie! We lost our third to a miscarriage and when I was pregnant with Bekah, every twitch was nerve-wracking. Will continue to keep you in my prayers as your pregnancy progresses.

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  30. Julie,
    Please know that most of us who read your blog have been through loss, and sadly a lot of us have lost a baby or child. You are with your peeps. God bless you!

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  31. Lots of prayers for you and your family Julie!!

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  32. Oh how I can relate... 6 pregnancies, 7 babies... only two of them living. Two pregnancies ended due to a rare and potentially fatal condition, and my first "normal" pregnancy brought me West Nile Virus @ 32 weeks. It was in those deepest darkest moments of pregnancy, amidst the fear and the "ugly" that I learned the true meaning of joy.
    Heartfelt and fervent prayers for the peace... and strength... and joy that only God can bring are headed your way!

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  33. I read all the time. I love your photos more than I should admit to;-) I thought your comments on letting teens into your life was brilliant! I took a pregnancy test today and it was positive, I had to lay down on the floor. This was not planned. I have been shaking and cleaning all morning, trying to come to grips that our little family is growing and trying to take it all in. I can't figure out if the shaking is from excitement or fear. But while reading this, I got chills and an all over sense of peace. Thanks for sharing your story, it made a huge difference in my life today! I will be sending lots of love and prayers your way.

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  34. Ok - You struck a chord with me. I have had three miscarriages. To date, no successful to term pregnancies. It has been incredibly painful and many can't understand why pregnancy is not the happy, amazing journey it is for my friends. I know that my path is laid out for me and my husband and I take comfort in that, but many can't quite understand why I am terrified of becoming pregnant again.
    Thank you for sharing your story. It takes a lot to share your pain.
    I will pray for you to have the strength you need.

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  35. I will pray for strength for you if you will for me as well. A team of doctors is meeting next Tues to decide whether to proceed with open heart surgery on our 10 month old baby girl. When I opened up my Bible the other morning, I read in Psalms where David is begging God to "be not far from me." That is my prayer right now. I want to be under the shadow of his wing.
    http://teal915.blogspot.com/2011/03/update-on-kamdyn-after-cardiologist.html

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  36. Oh, friend, you have my prayers...all too many of us know how difficult it is to lose a child. I'll specifically pray that you can have peace and maybe? even possibly enjoy a tiny part of this pregnancy. (((hugs))) to you.

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  37. I would love to say something deep and profound but I don't know where to find those words right now. My heart breaks for you. And for the other moms who have left similar comments here. Praying God's peace and protection on you, your baby and your family.

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  38. you and your family will be in my prayers. ((hugs)) You are so awesome!

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  39. Oh Julie...praying for you, friend. {{hugs}}

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  40. Hi Julie. I know EXACTLY how you feel. Your post inspired me to write about my experience, too. Hang in there. Praying for you!!

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  41. Tears are streaming down my face the entire time I read this, they still are. I have no idea what you are going through, I can't even imagine all the different kinds of loss you have suffered, but I will pray for you and your family.

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  42. Thank God for the beauty He can bring from the ashes. Thank you for being so honest and open so we can support you in prayer.

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  43. Friend, I was the same way. I even referred to it as survival mode..after loosing two babies and six years of infertility along with the complications of my first full term pregnancy..I lived in fear and agony.

    I didn't enjoy any of my other four pregnancies..
    I didn't want to talk about the pregnancy, I didn't want to decorate the nursery..I just did not even accept in my head that we were having another baby until the nurse put those babies in my arms....once they were in my arms it was almost like i breathed a sign of relief because I had made it through the marathon. I could relax...sorta...

    I remember praying for my children when I was pregnant and looking back, I know God spoke to my heart. I believe he assured me many times that all would be well...but I didn't listen..I have many regrets and sadness over this..but God is good and he forgives even when we are weak and insufficient.

    I hate that you are going thru this. It brings tears to my heart because the feelings of it are just awful..I will be praying for you and your family everyday!


    Take care and many blessings.

    I

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  44. Thank you for sharing such a painful and personal story. You and your family will be in my thoughts for the next twenty weeks.

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  45. I will keep you and your entire family in your prayers until you hold a sweet healthy baby in your arms.

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  46. Thank you for sharing this part of your life with it. You may not know exactly how many people this will help, encourage and inspire. Though I have NO idea the hurt you feel, I don't know a hurt through my journey with infertility. Not being able to get pregnant at all but having so much love to give to someone was very painful. But, like you, the strength and love you get from God overflows abundantly when you fall in front of him and accept his grace and mercy. Now, you have women all over the world praying for you and lifting you and that sweet baby up!

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  47. You have my prayers...thanks for keep it real and be transparent. I was sick through my pregnancy with my oldest and could have loved on the maker of Zofran myself.

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  48. Sending all the love, faith, prayers, hope, and hugs I can to you. <3

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  49. When I was little, I had a beautiful plaid comforter in all my favorite colors (I also had yellow & white shag carpet but I don't have such an affinity for that), in church I learned that another name for the Holy Spirit is Comforter. I loved that. It conjured up images of that comforter from my childhood bed. I felt so warm, safe, & secure with it wrapped around me. Today, may you be wrapped up in the Comforter. You are in my prayers....

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  50. Praying for peace and a healthy pregnancy for the remaining 20 weeks. I remember how hard it was in my third pregnancy after having had a 31 1/2 weeker who had to stay in the NICU for 7 weeks and then having a miscarriage. I was constantly worried. I remember waiting to get anything for the baby. I was so scared to let myself be happy and just enjoy my pregnancy. Now, due to my health, I can't have another, so I regret that I didn't enjoy that last pregnancy. Praying that God will give you His peace and give you glimmers of hope in the midst of this pregnancy.

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  51. Wow, what an amazing post. You know sometimes it's really refreshing to see real life in blog posts, and this is definitely one of those times. You and your amazing family will be in my prayers...
    - April W

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  52. Julie, Thank you for sharing your heart and being so completely honest.
    Praying...

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  53. I love your honesty Julie...I haven't experienced the loss you have so I can only imagine how difficult everything is right now. Keep clinging to the King. I am due at the beginning of July and will be praying for you and your family!

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  54. You have my prayers, all other things are meaningless.

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  55. Thank you for being so raw with this. I'm sincerely praying for this pregnancy. I was part of H.G. club with all my pregnancies and experienced 2 miscarriages. Although your situation is different, I get the emptiness of writing down 5 for pregnancies and then only listing 3 children. My heart goes out to you.

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  56. Definitely praying for you Julie!

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  57. I am praying right now julie. Jesus Knows :) Had some quite time in Deut33:26-27 this morning. "There is no one like the God of Jeshurun (have no idea who Jeshurun is but Julie would work fine-both start with J!)who rides on the heavens to help you and on the clouds in his majesty. The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are THE everlasting arms." Praying HE carries you as you carry this little one.

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  58. This was so real and so honest.
    And even though it made me cry, I appreciate it.
    We've talked, you know the struggle I've had though absolutely not even a bit near the pain you or others I know have experienced. Anyway, your words just make me know that I can be real about my anxiety's, my fears, about everything I feel.
    I'm thinking about you and praying for you often.

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  59. Thanks for sharing this Julie - I understand you completely about telling the doctors, Ultrasound techs and other doctors the dreaded number to "And how many pregnancies is this?" I have a Septated Uterus and lost 4 of my children before the 3 I have now. What should be a fun an joyous time in pregnancy just isn't. I will be praying for you and asking the Lord to protect your little unborn babe. Sending lots of hugs and prayers.

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  60. Over the past 2 years my sister-in-law experienced 3 miscarriages and our family was just at a loss for words because it is a very traumatic experience that affected all of us ..... Most recently we found out that she is pregnant ( only a few weeks ) ....This is very pensive time calling for our dependancey on the LORD just as it for you .....I will lift you the LORD in prayer for protection and that HE see you through this pregnancy..... I ask you to do the same for my sister-in-law .... I enjoy stopping by your blog and delight in the posts .

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  61. I know your pain more than I wish to share. I am silently crying while reading this. I have been and will be praying for you and the newest addition to your family daily. So many of us feel the same way. So big Hugs and much prayer till you bring the bundle home :)

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  62. Praying. And continually amazed at how he uses our sad, heartbreaking stories to tell His best, heart-restoring story. Julie, you draw people in with your honesty. It continually challenges me. God uses you MIGHTILY to make others see His Son. To see there is so much more than what goes on here on earth. I'm thankful for that reminder this morning.

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  63. Julie, I think you are so strong to be able to be so open and honest! Thank you for sharing this post, now we can all lift you and your sweet family up in our prayers. I completely understand that you are in "survival mode" - I've been there too, my friend. White knuckled-holding my breath-terrified... there is so much anxiety associated with pregnancy for me now. Oh, to be naïve again! I will be praying! Praying that the Lord gives you the strength you need to handle this pregnancy, that your little one is able to grow healthy and strong, that your doctors have the knowledge, patience and resources to make the best decisions for you and your baby. If it helps, during my last pregnancy I calmed my ((crazy)) emotional self by focusing on an Erma Bombeck quote: “being pregnant is my one chance on this earth to assist God in a miracle” and meditating on Psalm 118:23. I wish you the VERY best! :) michelle

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  64. I'm one of those people that you've never met, emailed or spoken to on the phone. But, after reading your blog for so long, I feel like you live right next door. I'm sending so many prayers... so many good thoughts... so much love and hope and faith. And hugs. Lots and lots of hugs.

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  65. Add another prayer to your chain-you've got mine!

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  66. I have followed your blog for a while, but I am one of those that rarely gets to comment. The club that one belongs too after loss is one that you would not wish on your worst enemy. Oh how I wish for that ignorance that comes with that first pregnancy because walking on eggshells for 9 months gives one more gray hairs and worry wrinkles than we should have. I pray for your peacefulness!

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  67. Julie, thank you for your honesty. I am on my 8th pregnancy - I have one biological child. We are 10 weeks and I live each day in panic and am always convinced that our baby is no longer alive. I was the same way with my daughter until I as literally holding her in my arms. It makes me so sad that pregnancy holds no joy for me just fear. And yet God has been good to me. Like you said put my heart back together after each break. Trying to remember that the worry does nothing. It will be nice to pray for you when I am feeling the anxiety for myself. Blessings over your next few months.

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  68. Thank you for sharing this with us Julie. Sending prayers and hugs to you from Virginia.

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  69. I needed this today. I just lost a baby in January. I often think to myself am I ever going to get over it. I guess I secretly know I wont but on the outside you have to pretend like it is no big deal. To my friends and family. They don't understand at all. Some days are harder than others. But now all I think about everyday is, do I want to have to go through this all over again. Do I want to worry constantly about if it is dead or alive...is it kicking enough. Most of all what did I do wrong to make it happen the first time and will it happen over and over again.
    The light through my tunnel is that I have had two wonderful pregnancies with no problems. I know I can have children, but know I know how incredibly precious and what an honor it is to be able to carry those babies.
    I just have a quick question to all the ladies here...if you have had a miscarriage how long did you wait to try again?

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  70. I, unfortunatly, know your pain. I pray for your peace in this journey. I decided a long time ago I could not have anymore children after my second (fourth) baby. I am a miserable human being and can't go back there. I am amazed and impressed with your ability to go through this so many times. You are a way stronger woman then you could ever know. Peace, strength and hope!

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  71. Sending lots of prayers your way....I was a member of the HG club throughout the pregnancies with my two girls(I have been pregnant 8 times). I remember one bath time with my oldest daughter: I closed the shower curtain so my poor little girl wouldn't have to see mommy hurl her guts out; she peeked out the curtain a few times & asked "You OK, mommy?" & would go back to splashing. You wrote every thought I had during each pregnancy. It's hard to be the happy, glowing, mommy-to-be when you are sick, miserable, & frightened every. single. minute. Thank you for sharing your story & I pray your next several months will be filled with rest, happiness, & life's small pleasures with your beautiful girls....

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  72. I will pray for you Julie....sending you big hugs!!!

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  73. I pray for your health and well-being in the coming months. May you endure it with hope, faith and a clear understanding of God's never ending love for you and your family.

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  74. Julie - you are in my prayers all the time! I will continue praying for peace, strength,endurance and grace. Love you so much, my friend!

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  75. Know that you and your husband will remain in my prayers... what an amazing woman God has outfitted you to be. For He does not give us more than we can bare.... well, you my friend are a testament to all of us that feel that we have been given too much. Much love. <3

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  76. Please know that you have my prayers for peace as you enter this period of your pregnancy.

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  77. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  78. Fellower HGer here.

    Thinking and praying for you.

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  79. My heart aches for yours.

    My very first pregnancy resulted in the stillbirth of our little angel Carter John. He was 10 days overdue and was 11 pounds 2 ounces. I agree with you about wishing you could be that naive again. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. I didn't think anything like that could ever happen to me. I remember looking over at my husband while 2 doctors and 3 nurses tried to deliver this big boy and hearing Jason say to his Mom "She's never going to want to have baby with me again." Thankfully, Jason and I were strong enough to get through that painful time in our life and 11 months later we had Madison Grace. She is our miracle baby. I didn't think I could love anything that much. From then on, we had Maycie and then a miscarriage and then our last and final sweetheart Landon. Life is complete for us now. Carter is with us EVERY DAY!! My children know that he's their big brother and is looking over them, taking care of them and keeping them safe. Every once in awhile I think about those last few days of my life before I gave birth to my first child and how much Carter changed my life.

    You will get through this. You are blessed with those 3 BEAUTIFUL girls, and no matter what the outcome of this pregnancy, you will still have those sweet little faces to kiss goodnight. Pregnancy is tough. I was on pins and needles everyday waiting to feel a kick or movement. I cried constantly in fear that at my next check-up there would be no heartbeat. I am a believer but there were so many days where I just couldn't believe God could do that to me. I now know that I am amazing and that experience made me a stronger person. Keep the faith and believe in yourself. 9 pregnancies...WOW...that stresses me out just thinking about it. This is going to be such an amazing adventure for you and I can't wait until the end of July to hear the good news of this baby's safe birth. You have soo many people supporting you. As hard as it is...find some happiness in these last few months and take time to enjoy the beauty of that little one growing inside you. I miss that closeness and bond that only a mother and baby can share.

    I will say an extra prayer for you today. Hugs from Minnesota!

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  80. Oh sweet Julie . I ,too, am 20 weeks along ...I'm 41... High risk ...have a clotting disorder...take daily Lovenox injections ... See a perinatologist....and pray,pray,pray ! I have had the not so pleasant phone call from the doc that my quad screen results are less than desirable...and I worry , but pray for peace and guidance . I , too, just want these next 20 weeks to fly by and get the sweet prize at the end . I know you are in love with that sweet lil one already ...just as I am with my lil boy that is fighting & growing inside me.
    You will be in my daily prayers ...love & hugs ....

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  81. Thank you, sweet Julie, for entrusting us with this special part of your heart. You will be in my prayers, most assuredly.

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  83. Julie, I've been following your blog for awhile now, but this is my first time to comment. You have a gorgeous family, and I have enjoyed getting to know you through this beautiful blog. Today's post touched me because your emotions are so raw, and I get it. I also appreciate your ability to be honest. My journey has included infertility, treatments, two miscarriages... and yet amongst all the pain and heartache, we were blessed with 3 children. I was filled with anxiety during my last pregnancy, for a number of reasons, and I was stuck on "what if" the majority of the time. Thankfully the peri was most understanding and allowed me to come in as often as needed to ease my fears. I don't want to make this about me, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone in your feelings. Sometimes pregnancy is all about survival. Count down your days, and celebrate each week that goes by. In the meantime, know that we are all cheering you on and lifting you up in prayer. Wishing you all the strength you need during this time. Sending you lots of hugs!!!

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  84. You and the rest of your family are most certainly in my thoughts & prayers! I'm due with our first in mid-August, so not far behind you, but I can't imagine what you are going through. Being our first, it's still all sunshine & rainbows for us, and I hope you are able to enjoy at least parts of your pregnancy & have a very happy & health remaining months & baby at the end!

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  85. I have been following your blog for awhile now and it is so full of happiness and light. You have my prayers with you and my thoughts. Know that Christ walks beside you and is there to lift you up.

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  87. Of course. It is an honor to pray for a fellow mama-soldier!

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  88. I have tears running down my cheeks, I will be praying for you.

    I understand what it is like to not be excited about a pregnancy until you hold that baby in your arms. It is hard to explain to those who haven't been there.

    I love zofran too! I don't have the same condition as you but with my last pregnancy I don't know how I would have survived without zofran.

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  89. So many prayer sent to you and your's on his/her way.

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  90. My thoughts & prayers are with you & your family.

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  91. praying for you!! thank you for your honesty. sending you a little love, peace and prayers today!!

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  92. Oh, HG. I do not miss that at all.
    The Zofran man should win a medal, or be knighted, or become president. Thank you for your honesty. You are brave. There are so many happy pregnancy, everything is rainbows kind of blogs. I am happy for them, but didn't feel like I was part of that club when I was pregnant. We tried for YEARS to get pregnant. From the minute I found out I was pregnant, there were problems. Threatened miscarriage/the baby is too small, too big, too low, twisted wrong, turned wrong, Trisomy 18, won't live to delivery, won't live through birth process, has genetic abnormalities...I was scared everyday. I remember just sitting paralyzed begging to feel movement. She is now a crazy, onery, perfect 2 year old. God is great. I am happy for those who easily get pregnant, have easy happy pregnancies, but wonder if those of us who have to fight so hard are a part of our own club. Never a day goes by that we don't remember what a miracle our children are. We will be praying for you and your little miracle.

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  93. Thank you for being so real and honest-we forget sometimes that bringing a life into this world isn't always the easiest thing, but always a blessing. Thank you!

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  94. praying for you as you wade through these next few months.

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  95. Julie,

    Praying for you! We are well-acquainted with losing a child in our family... there is just nothing like that ache.

    God got me through my one and only pregnancy after receiving a potentially fatal diagnosis... He already holds your little one -and he He holds you.

    Praying for peace, for perfect health, for healing for your heart.

    Love,
    Rachel

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  96. So sorry!! Glad to pray for you!!!

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  97. you.are.beautiful.
    so very very beautiful.

    i have three babies in heaven's arms and hated having to explain to all to the doctors too.

    praying for you.
    may He bring you strength, peace and joy through this season.

    xoxo

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  98. Oh Julie, I'm an HG girl, too! I've been blogging about it throughout this pregnancy just so people understand it and maybe find some comfort if they google it. This is my second pregnancy with it and it just plain sucks! I'm currently on a Zofran pump because the pills weren't enough. I've also been in the hospital twice so far in 14 weeks. Last pregnancy it was 5 times. All that to say, I'm with you. I understand and am praying for both of us to get through this with healthy little ones. Hugs!

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  99. That picture instantly sent me into tears.

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  100. I'm praying for you Julie! I struggle with anxiety... horrible anxiety and I'm just comforted in knowing that during this pregnancy, I'm not the only one who has trouble celebrating when I just want to worry all the time. God Bless!

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  101. What an awesome entry...you really put us all where you are. I am a mama of 4 grown ones and 9 grandkids...and never experienced what you did with the losses. Thankfully, you have God to walk with you through these times. I will keep you in prayer during this journey to a little life...and hope you are blessed when it's done.

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  102. A thousand thoughts are running through my head, & yet I can't find the words to say them to you.

    My prayers will do the talking...

    Know that a Mom in South Dakota is praying for you as well.

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  103. You are in my prayers. You are loved and respected from a far.

    ps- I was in tears after reading your post-- then laughed out loud reading the directions above the comment box. You're hilarious!

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  104. Prayers for you and praising God for Zofran. How about when you throw that up (especially before there was a cheaper, generic variety)? NOOOO, that was a $90 pill! Thank God for insurance.
    I don't know about all those losses and horrific pregnancies. But I know about loss and puking.
    Can't wait to see the other side of this pregnancy - cutie pie baby.
    Do you plan your foods around what throws up easier? I found bread to be difficult. Drank a lot of carnation instant breakfasts - was too bad on the outflow.
    Oh dear, I feel for you.

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  105. Weeping with you and praying. You are such a source of inspiration to me. My precious adopted daughter is nearly 5, and my miscarriage from my one and only pregnancy in 12 years of marriage happened last April. I remain shattered. It scares me to death to think of getting pregnant again, though I desire it so much. When you say it has given you a greater capacity for love and compassion, I totally get that. It is a loss so profound that you can't help but have so much more empathy with anyone who suffers loss, whereas before -- not as much. So maybe that is the beginning for me of being put back together. : )

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  106. You dear, precious lady, you will be in my prayers and thoughts so much. When I first came to your blog and wondered what and who the title was about I spent the evening in such floods of tears. I firmly believe that your story and your experiences have the power to bless and encourage other mothers through your incredible courage to share them here. I'm crying again now at the thought of your terrifying journey for this pregnancy and how hard it must be to allow yourself to hope. I am just entering the second trimester of my second pregnancy. I have no experience of miscarriage or stillbirth. I feel very blessed, humbled and undeserving to be in this situation. I know God holds your family in his hands and will be sufficient for every need and emotion you can bring to Him. With love from a lady who just happens to be named Joy. x x x

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  107. Wow...I can't fully relate but I can partiallywith my struggle w/ infertility and the monthly heartache we had to get to the amazing almost 2 yr old we have now but I'm fearful of trying for #2 b/c I know I'm still "infertile" being that I've been off birth control since we found out we were expecting Shelby and the fear of staring over....but God is still God and bigger than ANY fear I have and feel!!! U r in my prayers and love u girl! I guess I either missed the pregnancy announcement or is this the first time u said anything?? Love ya!!

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  108. I know how you feel to a point, although I only lost one baby I too can relate to the survival mode. Prayers and love to you!! :)

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  109. Julie - You make me laugh. You make me CRY. You inspire me by your faith. I love that God is using your testimony to touch so many lives. GOD BLESS that perfect little soul growing inside you.

    ~Bri~

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  110. What you have from me: Understanding and lots of prayers. For sure.

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  111. I love this part of your post:
    "But somehow, I carry on. Through the crazy. Through the trials. Through the uncertainty. Because each time my heart has shattered, God has lovingly put it back together. Each time He puts it back together it is stronger and has the capacity to love more fully, deeply and authentically."

    Beautifully and inspiringly said. I am praying for you!

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  112. How sweet it is to tearfully pray for a sister that I've never even met! Your blog has been a lifter for me since the first time I read it. It's bookmarked and visited frequently, especially when my heart is heavy. So, I pray that our PRINCE OF PEACE will hold you in His mighty hands for the next 20 weeks (and forever! for that matter) and man oh man do I thank Him for you. That God would bless you with the laughter that you have blessed me with!! But believe me, you'll be crying (from laughter) then too because you're honestly just way to hilarious..

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  113. so so many prayers coming your way. i only know a fraction of your pain b/c my first pregnancy over 8 years ago ended in a 2nd trimester miscarriage. i totally get that losing the naive bliss with each subsequent pregnancy. oh how i will pray for you for strength, courage and peace as you travel the next 20 weeks of this pregnancy. i pray that in this midst of scariness that you will feel so incredibly close to our Saviour. and that He will bless you immeasurably. day by day, you will get through this. cling to Him as you've never clung before.

    many, many gentle hugs to you!

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  114. happy mommy brings happy baby! keep your spirits high and Ill definitely keep you and your family in my prayers:)

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  115. Oh my goodness, I have chills all over! Prayers, prayers, prayers for you & your family!!

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  116. I'm so glad you were able to share that. I will be praying. I can't imagine the turmoil. You are so brave for talking about it b/c I know it ministers to so many. I am thrilled for you though!

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  117. Oh, my sweetest Julie. I am on my knees right now. You in my prayers and in my heart. I will think of you every day and keep you close. Love.

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  119. Julie-
    Praying that "the peace of God which transcends ALL understanding will GUARD your Heart and Mind in Christ Jesus" (Phil 4:7)
    and-
    "I leave you a gift- PEACE of MIND and HEART. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid". (John 14:27)

    Praying God's blessing on you AND your beautiful family-Love to YOU!

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  120. I will pray for you and baby. You have three beautiful, healthy daughters whom I know you don't take for-granted. So many women are not able to have children at all. A lifetime of hurt and darkness. Enjoy your girls and all the best to come!

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  121. I absolutely will pray for you. And I'll be believing for you that this baby will be your miracle #4. You have a precious family & I'm sure they are so thankful (or will be one day) for all the heartbreak & awfulness you've been through to get those 3 beautiful girls here. Thanks to this post, you're in my mind good. Keep hanging on!!

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  122. So love your blog, but I am lame-o about leaving comments. I do want you to know that I will pray for you, my precious sister in the Lord!

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  123. I appreciate your honesty and hopefully sharing your feelings and your fears will help you in the next weeks ahead. I will be thinking of you and your family. Take good care. hugs

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  124. Julie..your honestly, faith, courage, and devotion is so intriguing and inspiring. And the Holy Spirit, no doubt, just led me here right now, as this is my "dark and crazy hour" (literally, 4-5pm...I struggle with it, and temptation) and now instead of focusing on my cross, I will gladly take up yours for the rest of the night, and pray for all you have asked, and more.

    much love

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  125. I will pray for you, Julie. Thank you for sharing. And the picture on the beach when you told the girls is so wonderful!

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  126. YOu have my prayers. I dealt with HG all three times, and I can't imagine adding all that you've gone through in addition. Prayers for peace....

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  127. i am a new follower of your blog. i love how you are so honest and real. you have a beautiful family. ill be praying for you!!

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  128. I'm so sorry for all of the pain you're been through. You and your family are definitely in my prayers.

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  129. I know only very little about the scary in pregnancy. As my scare came as just that. A scare. A bump in the road, that passed though with a happy ending. But I know how terrifying it can be. So prayers to you. Prayers for peace a courage for the next 20 weeks!

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  130. When I told my neighbor Amy D that I was pregnant, she said that you were also expecting. I can understand some of your fears (been through some myself). This was not a planned pregnancy so we were very surprised - at my age (42) I was going to have another baby! A lot of anxiety, worry, and paranoia goes through my mind - of all things that can go wrong at having a baby at my age, but I am finally starting to relax and enjoy it.

    God blessed us this child, he knows what is best for our family. I know he has something special planned for us! Just keep trusting him - you/the family/baby will be in my prayers.

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  131. Daily - I will pray for you daily!

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  132. praying for you,your family and your sweet bundle of love growing inside you.

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  133. Thank you times a million for sharing Julie, I am so praying for you and your family. I too suffered from HG with both of my pregnancies and it was beyond me how I got through it, I cant imagine doing it with three kids to look after. I feel for you, especially knowing how hard and overwhelming HG can be, I felt like I was going to have to carry Von's plastic bags in purse forever you know "just in case". They didn't have the Zofran when I was pregnant maybe there is hope for me when I have another one, the HG has scared me out of wanting to try again. Thank you again for sharing.

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  134. sweet julie,
    ou are all in my prayers,oh how i understand all that you are saying i am so sick with worry when i am pregnant,so very scarred of becoming attached and losing the precious one that i cannot enjoy it until the day the baby comes and i can finaly relax just a little.I have suffered through many misscariages,but i am so blessed to now have 5 healthy children.I adore you sweet lady and like i said you all will be in my prayers:)

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  135. Oh Julie how I feel your pain. You are in my prayers, and I hope you will keep me in yours as well. I know your crazy all too well, I live it. My poor family and friends don't even like to be around me when I'm pregnant. I am in my 7th pregnancy and the Lord has blessed me with 2 healthy daughters. The perinatologist is my best friend when I am pregnant too.

    Not that you know me from Adam, but I am here for you. kimberlynorth@gmail.com

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  136. prayers, hugs and nutella kisses, my friend!

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  137. prayers..peace..strength..love and more meals to bring to you!!!

    LOVE you friend!

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  138. You're real. That's why people read. That's why people identify. That's why people care.
    I know someone who experienced the same thing that you did with your sweet Joy. Reading your story, it was SO similar to hers.
    I've wondered~as she's gone on to have two healthy baby girls~ how she got through the pregnancies. How she kept her fears and anxieties at bay....
    I thought of her often and I'll think of you often...and I'll pray Julie. I'm praying right now. Hugs.

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  139. How I can relate. Pregnancy for some of us is not so easy and flowery. The baby aisles do not evoke in us images of a happy baby, but those things hanging in a closet never worn.
    I am praying God touches your heart and carries you through the scary, the ugly and the anxious times of the next 20 weeks!
    Much Love!

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  140. Listen to "stronger" by Mandisa. It is SO true. praying for you.

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  141. You're in my thoughts and prayers!
    Denise

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  142. I get it. Totally get it. There are far too many in the empty arms club. Prayers for a speedy and healthy 20 weeks ahead.

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  143. Thank you for sharing. Saying prayers, for peace, strength, endurance and grace for you. Count me in for loving the creator of Zofran too.

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  144. I'm so sorry, Julie. Thank you for sharing your heart. You will definitely be in my thoughts and prayers.

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  145. Hi Julie - Just said a prayer for you. And as I finished a commercial for a local church came on - only it doesn't actually advertise the church, it just talks about Jesus and all he can do for you and to ask him into your heart now. I'm taking it as a confirmation from God that he heard my prayer for you. Not that I had any doubt, but I like signs:)

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  146. Don't blame you for feeling the way you do, praying for PEACE : )

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  147. Hi Julie! I heard the news and I will definitely be praying for peace and strength. I can relate to your situation in a small way, which just encourages me to pray without ceasing for life to come into this world and join your beautiful family.

    I too am in the HG club. Zofran is my best friend these days. I am in my 5th pregnancy...this time I made it to 15 weeks so far! Simon will hopefully have a sibling coming in early Sept!

    We are rooting for you every step of the way. May Jesus fill you with comfort & joy that He has you and this precious life in His Mighty hands...and our God is Mighty! He is ABLE, Julie! Cling to that!

    Love, Jeanne Larson

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  148. I am in week 37 of my 6th pregnancy. I have 5 healthy lovely children and all pregnancies were fabulous. not bragging, just setting the scene, for how thankful i am to hear your honesty and be reminded how precious each life is and how blessed we are when things are "easy" {as easy as waddling around with 50 extra pounds can be}

    Praying for you and your family. My girls love your blog and we all read the post with the photos and the baby news together. they were so excited and are hoping you get a boy (our 4th baby was our first boy so they think that just makes sense:)

    You are on our prayer list:)

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  149. do you read Silver Lining? It's amberfilkins.blogspot.com

    She's in an VERY similar situation to yours. She's pregnant right now as well and I think this is her 8th pregnancy. She's got two girls and another girl on the way...

    anyway, maybe you could get some comfort that you aren't alone in your situation. maybe you could be bloggy friends?

    know that even though i don't "know" you, I AM here for you.

    <3,
    tiff

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  150. This is so heartfelt and inspiring. My prayers and faith are definitely with you.

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  151. Thank you for being so honest & sharing this with us! My prayers will be with you for the rest of your pregnancy.

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  152. Julie, I understand how you look through a "dark and shattered lens" now. I had three miscarriages and I have three babies now. Each pregnancy was so scary. Each doctors appointment nerve racking. You are a brave and wonderful soul.
    I will be fervently praying for you, your family and this baby.

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  153. I had no idea you were a HG sufferer. I am too! I understand. I don't think you can unless you've been there, as you know too well.

    I am so scared of it but know I can get through it again, should we be so lucky. At this stage though, only one daughter for us (and several losses).

    Thank you for sharing.

    I just love your family and think your blog is gorgeous. xx

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  154. Thank you for sharing a different side of pregnancy. I'm one who has always assumed it is always an exciting and happy time. Good to have a new perspective / understanding for my friends who may be in a similar situation as you. Praying for peace of mind and a speedy twenty remaining weeks for you!

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  155. I just came across your blog from reading "The Macs." Joy's story left me sobbing and in prayer for you. As you continue on this pregnancy I will keep you in my prayers and look forward to following your journey. <3

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  156. Thank you for sharing your struggles and joys. We rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn! Praying and looking forward to rejoicing with you soon!

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  157. You are awesome and I will be praying for you and that new little sweetheart!

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  158. Praying for you right this moment, sister.

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  159. I understand and I appreciate the raw honesty. Our rainbow baby was born 4 months ago after a complicated pregnancy. Trying to explain to well meaning friends why I couldn't have a baby shower before she was born was hard. Know there are many folks that get it. We don't expect any explanations, we'll just hope with you!

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  160. I send you prayers for this verse to be a reality in your life, "may the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus."
    I read Joy's story shortly after my miscarriage. Your honesty was so helpful to me as I walked through my grief. Less than a year later I am pregnant with our 5th and this time the pregnancy has a different feel because it is tinged with the loss of the previous one. I know you feel that many, many more fold than I do.
    May you have the strength to make it through each day.
    And that picture was so incredible. What a sweet, sweet moment.
    Love from,
    Greta

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  161. oh dear! that made me cry. having struggled with infertility for 5 years, having a good friend lose her baby at 38.5 weeks, being so so so so scared when i finally got pregnant, i *kinda* know how you're feeling. i so hope this turns out with rainbows, unicorns and lollipops. my first and only pregnancy brought me my now 3 month-old twins...i had hemmorages, placenta issues, on top of the 24-7 morning sickness. i was on zofran 24-7 and a small bout of bed rest. then the crazy in me came out...being grateful for throwing up because it meant my babies were growing {and alive}, loving/hating the 4 elbows, 4 knees, 4 feet kicking me because i knew they were active (and alive}. i so feel {some of} your pain. you will be with your babies again one day, i know that as a fact. and before you know it, you will have 4 little ones running on the beach at our beloved bass lake :)

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  162. I'm definitely going to keep you in my prayers! I feel the same way about being pregnant. We're trying for our second child, but when (if?) I get pregnant, it will be my 5th pregnancy. All of those losses and a traumatic pregnancy with my son have left me with more feelings of fear and worry than anything else. Love your blog!

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  163. Your blog never ceases to capture me completely- I don't know you at all but God knew I needed this blog to follow. I promise prayer for you and your family. I understand survival mode 100% and hate it. I can name a list of foods that look the same coming up as they did going down (sorry, gross). Seriously am praying for you. Never hesitate to post negative, chances are good God will lead people a lot like you to your blog and that post will comfort someone. I'm sorry you're so familiar with loss, I have a good friend with the same story as you...you are so strong. And if you ever find the maker of Zofran, let me know, I'll kiss them for sure!

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  164. Very touching post. Thank you for your honesty and sharing your struggles. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  165. ohhh how this post shadows my feelings during pregnancy. Lots of love and prayers from someone who fully understands. The Lord has blessed me with four beautiful babies but three others of mine have their wings in heaven already.

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  166. Julie, I sent a prayer for you and your baby the first time I read your post you were pregnant again. Here is another prayer for you and your family for a healthy baby girl or boy to be born, love, and less drama.

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  167. oh you have my prayers. and His love is bigger and more abundant that all this, even in the shadows. It is survival, familiar to you and utterly painful, and OH so worth it! Julie you will grow this wonderfully made little one despite the daily challenges & look back knowing God carried you thru. No one needs daisies and rainbows, we all need honesty-which translates into love. I will think of you often, lift you up & hope for some relief from both the toilet bowl & torture. If you even for a second feel peaceful, relish it. Tears stream down my face as I imagine the length this pregnancy must feel like for you. Hang tight girl, He loves you!
    Ada in Coastal Cali

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  168. Dear Jesus-

    We don't know what each day holds, but we know you hold us. Hold Julie so close and tight that she can't help but breath in your presence. Surround her with everything she needs, even when she doesn't know what that is.

    Amen

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  169. Absolutely, positively praying for you! I just came upon your blog (link from the Awesome Meg) and have been forever touched by your honesty and willingness to share Joy's story.

    Unfortunately, two of my very best friends have endured the same tragedy.....your blog was such a good reminder for me to continue to check in on them and to pray for the continued healing of their hearts.

    It also made me stand up and give my daughter a great big hug (with tears streaming down my face). Thank you!

    I will truly be praying for you and your family. Keep us posted.

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  170. I'm going to try to commit to praying for you every time I read your blog - which is almost every day! Praying that the God of all hope will bring comfort (no puking) and peace (no worry) He still performs miracles every day - believe me, I see 'em in my family all the time - He is truly amazing!

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  171. julie, thank you so much for sharing your heart. prayers for you, your sweet baby, three girls and husband. will be lifting you up to the Lord and continuing to pray for a healthy baby, and healthy you.

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  172. Oh sweet mama, lots of love and peace be with you. What a beautiful picture with your girls. It truly says a thousand words! I can't imagine the strength and faith you must have. I love reading your blog. And not just because of the Monte cristo recipe. Xoxo

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  173. absolutely i'll be praying. you are a treasure to so many people.

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  174. praying for you! may God fill you with HIs peace that only He can give!!!

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  175. I have had five babies...two died shortly after being born one has a genetic skin disorder. I KNOW so much of what you write here. I get it. I know all about survival mode. I am praying for you and for your heart and your family. God's got this. He does.

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  176. Praying for you and your family. Thank you for sharing! I love that photo, its just shows how much love surrounds you!

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  177. While I didn't lose a child, I did have a child who was born with a birth defect, so this post really speaks to me. I share your morning sickness plight, but am very thankful for Zofran. I am currently pregant and due end of July too and worry if this baby will make it to full-term and if it will be healthy. So, I will pray for us both.

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  178. Oh my sweetheart! I wish I could put my arms around you, how you must have suffered. I offer you my prayers this Sunday morning, your faith is amazing. I have never made a prayer list, but you have so touched my heart this morning that I don't want to forget to keep you in my prayers, so I am making a list of one this morning. All my love from one of God's children to another.

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  179. I just wanted to add that I came to your site from a tutorial on felt flowers! I just decided to check your site as you gave it in your comment!

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  180. Thank you for sharing such a personal moment.

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  181. Love, prayers, hope and strength to you. Found you today in a search for a composition journal cover and then I read this. This bit of authenticity and deep, real love. It may not be sparkly, but it is beautiful nonetheless.

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  182. I stumbled upon your blog while looking for craft project ideas while pregnant with my first child, a baby girl, Caroline. I found your story of your sweet Joy, and my heart just broke for you. I couldn't imagine having to live through such a horrible horrible thing as losing a child at the end of a healthy pregnancy. Then that became my reality too. My sweet baby girl passed away at 39 weeks and 2 days, I delivered her the following day. It was an umbilical cord accident (wrapped so tightly around her neck, 3 times). As soon as I could breathe again after the funeral and all of those horrific details, I remembered your blog, your story, and it has been a continuous source of support and hope for me.

    I am currently pregnant with our second child...and I am happy, but TERRIFIED. I can identify with so much of what you're saying. I've had family members ask me if I wanted a shower this time around. I told them that I didn't really plan on doing anything at all until there is a screaming baby in our house. I too had to face that happy and pretty, but oh so painfully empty nursery. And I just don't think I have it in me to do it again.

    I said all of that to say that even though I know you have a ton of people around you to support you and pray for you, I will be another one praying and I'm here if you ever need me.

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  183. I was part of the HG crowd through three of my pregnancies and whole heartedly agree with the lip smacking for whoever created that drug :) I actually had in in a sub Q pump in a catheter in my thigh (you should really look into that as it helped SO much)...will be praying for you!!!!

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  184. Praying hard for peace during your final 20 week journey, whatever it may bring.
    You are on my mind as you rely on faith to fight and carry on.
    You can do it Julie. Stay stong.
    Love you!

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  185. Oh Julie you are most definatly in my prayers. If you only knew how much you truly inspire me.

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I love sunshine, happy people, and the power to delete. Sparkles! Rainbows! Unicorns!