tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6008426604560109471.post8025338723165715840..comments2023-12-21T05:02:17.686-08:00Comments on Joy's Hope: Help wanted.Julie {Joy's Hope}http://www.blogger.com/profile/08931142546640046509noreply@blogger.comBlogger121125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6008426604560109471.post-65630309113975992852011-06-26T09:17:17.604-07:002011-06-26T09:17:17.604-07:00Thank you for this post- so crazy what people say ...Thank you for this post- so crazy what people say when you are in the middle of your grief. I lost my son 7 months ago and I was recently told by a friend with a healthy newborn that I don't ask/talk about her baby enough.<br /><br />Wow.<br /><br />Sorry for not taking your feelings into consideration and instead trying to keep my head above water despite the horrible pain I'm experiencing. Excuse me for being such a crappy friend.<br /><br />Definitely hurt me to the core. There really are no words that will fix this. No one can say anything to make it better. <br /><br />What helps is the love and support of friends who are just there for you with no questions asked.<br /><br />Again thanks for sharing your thoughts.Natashahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10184755821618457912noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6008426604560109471.post-74892741235900702642011-06-25T17:44:10.843-07:002011-06-25T17:44:10.843-07:00Hahaha, "oh no she didn't'....yep, i ...Hahaha, "oh no she didn't'....yep, i had lots of those friends. My worst one was "Well, maybe God took him now because maybe he was going to die in a horrible way as a young child and he didn't want you dealing with that".....<br /><br />I appreciate the idea...that people want to love us. But we need God to comfort us, and we need them to just BE. It's a hard thing to do, as a friend. Thanks for bringing light to the topic! You are a wonderful blogger.Brookehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10265876447712229709noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6008426604560109471.post-23770555043228768792011-06-02T13:31:49.040-07:002011-06-02T13:31:49.040-07:00I will never forget the pool of blood I awoke in o...I will never forget the pool of blood I awoke in on Mother's Day of 2008. My first child was clearly gone leaving only shock and a mess behind on a day that should have been a celebration of the anticipation of my new role. We cleaned up and headed to church. Planning on worshiping into comfort I instead felt isolated and alone while mothers around were celebrated. <br /><br />We had yet to tell the masses, only family. There really isn't a guaranteed way to comfort someone who has this empty space. The journey of recovering from a miscarriage has so many emotions and they vary from person to person. I've found that in looking for the right thing to say I'm really just trying to connect and understand others who are experiencing the same pain I've felt. But even standing on the same dark side as they, I come up empty. <br /><br />The space that is left in the arms of a woman who longs to be a mother is not easily filled with words, love, acts of kindness, or even time. I believe only the Lord can fill that space. Hugs, meals, home made treats or treasures help but words are usually regrettable. <br /><br />I do however use mothers day to send simple cards stating that while there may be emptiness in their arms, a hole in their family, or a grieving heart that seems insurmountable, I am thinking of them and recognizing their incredible strength to emit beauty and grace in spite of their longing. I actually send this to some of my single friends too as they approach the age of inability to have children of their own. <br /><br />Thank you for posting and bringing awareness to this subject.kcrackhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12118717818984066600noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6008426604560109471.post-89520741507709091382011-06-02T09:22:39.297-07:002011-06-02T09:22:39.297-07:00A friend sent this quote after my miscarriage last...A friend sent this quote after my miscarriage last month and it really struck a chord with me.<br />"It is best to hope for an experience of life in all its fullness- a life that can embrace both joy and sorrow and still be at peace.Our triumph over sorrow is not that we can avoid it but that we can endure it.And therein lies our hope;that in spirit we might become bigger then the problems we face.Hope lies in having more faith in the power of God to heal us<br />then in the power of anything to hurt or destroy us.Our hope in God is not a hope for something to happen in the world but something to happen in us.We're not hoping that this or that will happen<br />but that we'll achieve a state of consciousness in which,whatever happens, we will not swerve from love or peace."<br />--Marianne WilliamsonPJHhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00963805784724743878noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6008426604560109471.post-51620880606127341112011-06-01T20:54:08.358-07:002011-06-01T20:54:08.358-07:00I wish that everyone could/would read this post an...I wish that everyone could/would read this post and all the comments.<br /><br />I have been pregnant 6 times, and have one living child (from my first pregnancy). My first loss was at 20 weeks and the other four between 5 and 6 weeks. I am still coming to terms with the fact that I will not have any more children.<br /><br />I wish there were magic words. There aren't. <br /><br />Do: acknowledge the loss, no matter how early - I simple "I'm sorry" goes a long way. If the child was named, USE the name. When possible, acknowledge the tough dates - especially the first ones. Bring food, send cards, offer hugs, and welcome conversation even when it might (will) lead to tears. Don't stop calling - the first few weeks are overwhelming but the time after that is harder because the immediacy is over, and all the "things that much be done" have been done, and all that remains is the loneliness and isolation. Offer frequent hugs. Tell your friend you are there to listen, and then really listen.<br /><br />Don't: Compare it to anyone else's situation unless you yourself have been in the SAME situation. Don't say anything about God's will, things happening for a reason, or future (or living) children. Don't pretend it didn't happen. Don't stop calling, visiting or checking in. <br /><br />Thank you for this post.Larahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09568084858666368171noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6008426604560109471.post-89890340027850618152011-06-01T19:21:28.688-07:002011-06-01T19:21:28.688-07:00I don't understand why people lose their babie...I don't understand why people lose their babies. I'm scared to. I don't want to understand the degree of sinfulness in the world that makes it okay for innocent infants to lose their lives. I think that's all I can ever say to a Mom whose baby has gone to be with God. "I don't understand why this happened, but please let me help you carry this however I can." And then do it, because there's nothing worse than someone who says "If there's anything I can do..." and never shows up.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6008426604560109471.post-36569865763210660322011-06-01T10:56:07.988-07:002011-06-01T10:56:07.988-07:00We lost our son at 21 weeks (stillborn), and I cou...We lost our son at 21 weeks (stillborn), and I could give you a long, long list of the things said/wrote that hurt so much I can still remember them clearly, 12 years later. I later realized most of them were said by people who just honestly didn't know what to say, and were trying their best to say something, anything, to help. I also realized that in their own way, they were taking a risk by saying anything at all - the silence from other friends/family was sometimes deafening. <br /><br />That said, one of the people that I had the hardest time with also did one of the kindest things. My SIL had her son exactly 1 month before my son was born still. For about a month after, I wasn't able to see her son - it was just far too painful to even think about. When I was ready, she offered to have me watch him for a short time while she & BIL went out to breakfast. It may sound odd but the idea that I could be with him alone, and not have anyone else here to judge me if it made me cry the entire time (which it did), it really helped me. After that, it's not that it was easy to be with him (and there are rare times, even now, where it can catch me off guard), but it allowed me to get over the worst part, and not have an audience there.<br /><br />Just a simple "I'm so sorry" works fine. If you can remember to use the baby's name (if there was one), for me that was a real acknowledgement of my lost child, and helped me so much.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6008426604560109471.post-16327832739635607212011-05-31T19:55:09.752-07:002011-05-31T19:55:09.752-07:00After my miscarriage there were tons of "comf...After my miscarriage there were tons of "comforting" people around. So many things that were said made my heart hurt even more. <br /><br />I hated hearing things like "don't worry, you will get pregnant again" or "I had ____ many miscarriages and look now I have healthy kids". I was never concerned with that. I just lost my baby. I wanted THAT baby. The death was what I wanted mourned not the pregnancy.<br /><br />The best thing said, was nothing. I had a friend come over and offer to just sit with me. We sat in silence, eating icecream. In that moment, I felt like my world wasn't ending.Kristenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10643244384751832468noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6008426604560109471.post-28737227399913743162011-05-31T17:52:33.116-07:002011-05-31T17:52:33.116-07:00I can tell you one biggie don't. Don't ign...I can tell you one biggie don't. Don't ignore your hurting friends. All of our friends did this and it hurt more than any misspoken words could have. We lost 3 babies, 2 second trimester ones, and not once were we met with comfort. Only awkward isolation. Love would have been all we needed. Normal conversation, dinner with friends, an encouraging word.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6008426604560109471.post-9970076429379042742011-05-31T14:26:44.870-07:002011-05-31T14:26:44.870-07:00great, great post. i loved this part: "But I ...great, great post. i loved this part: "But I remember so much good too. The friends who didn't try to answer questions. Who didn't try to fix us. Who prayed. Who called."<br />because that was the good I remember from my two miscarriages. one of my best friends has been so helpful by just being comfortable with my pain- by being ok with me not being completely over it months later, by continuing to ask "how are you doing?" <br />there has been a lot of "unhelpful" too- but i'm sure that's stuff you have already experienced. i love your sweet spirit and your humor- i bet you wanted to add that friend into your "people you want to punch in the face" journal, eh? ;)littlemissmkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16502843422299471556noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6008426604560109471.post-84086076060677138862011-05-31T13:30:20.182-07:002011-05-31T13:30:20.182-07:00I am so sorry that someone actually said that. As...I am so sorry that someone actually said that. As someone who has experienced a pregnancy loss, I know that all I can do for someone else is just offer to listen, hug them and cry with them. It's not my job to tell them why or to guess as to God's timing or reasons.Rach (DonutsMama)https://www.blogger.com/profile/14029074046922966097noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6008426604560109471.post-15040913514493827502011-05-30T18:52:02.529-07:002011-05-30T18:52:02.529-07:00What I like to say is "There are no words...&...What I like to say is "There are no words..." ...to make this any easier on you or to make sense of why this happened to you. "I'm so sorry".. <br /><br />I hated when friends would say "I cant understand what you're going through b/c I've never gone through it".. It makes me feel like that person cannot fathom losing a child, cannot empathize, cannot imagine what it's like to have your hopes, dreams, everything planned for this child and then to find out it will not be... it is horrible.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6008426604560109471.post-40954582811393942142011-05-30T18:44:51.141-07:002011-05-30T18:44:51.141-07:00I had a miscarriage and a D&C on New Years Eve...I had a miscarriage and a D&C on New Years Eve. One friend got me a Christmas ornament from Hallmark called "A life remembered". I felt touched by it. Cards, flowers, food - any gesture to feel the support and love of good friends. Truthfully, this blog and their story carried me through. Share this blog.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6008426604560109471.post-46184063010460560992011-05-30T07:56:03.487-07:002011-05-30T07:56:03.487-07:00Oh Julie, I so relate to this post. I myself have ...Oh Julie, I so relate to this post. I myself have not lost my own child. I have however lost both my parents, two siblings, all my grandparents and aunts and uncles. None of which are as heartbreaking as losing ones own child. My mom however buried four of her own children and watching her go through that and hearing the stories about her losing twins (both babies died 2 days after they were born, my mom carried them for 37 weeks) I totally understand where you are coming from, the good and the bad. The heartfelt, the ignorant (not on purpose) and the enormous support you can get from people. When my mom lost the twins she went back to work after a few weeks and one of her coworkers said to her (and I quote) "Sally, I am so sorry for your loss, I know what you are going through.... my husband and I just had to put our dog down, it was heartbreaking" hmm. Yes, she said that. I am a dog lover, I have always had a dog and love them like they are part of the family, I have also lost a dog or two in my life and it does not compare to the loss of a child or loved one. I know that people are coming from a good place when things like this come out of their mouths, but come on. Common sense? While I have no idea what it is like to lose a child and my heart breaks for all of you who have I promise to never ever try to make you feel better with a comment that can sting and hurt for years to come. I will always think twice and choose my words carefully.sweet southern inspirationhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17935172564041651612noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6008426604560109471.post-7689585451296116012011-05-29T21:00:26.945-07:002011-05-29T21:00:26.945-07:00OH AND
dont say "youll have others"
...OH AND <br /> <br />dont say "youll have others" <br /><br />you cant replace a baby! We all wanted that one. We loved that one! so please dont say this.Pins, Needles, & Kidshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01380531660803943266noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6008426604560109471.post-12329650486384578902011-05-29T20:53:44.311-07:002011-05-29T20:53:44.311-07:00My husband and i lost our first baby to miscarriag...My husband and i lost our first baby to miscarriage. It was harder then i ever could of imagined. Here are some things that comforted me:<br /><br />"Ive been praying for you'<br />(not "prayin' for ya" cuz that means im just saying this as a phrase not i actually am praying for YOU)<br /><br />or<br /><br />"can i pray with you?"<br /><br />my boss told me i could take days off if it was too hard and when i did take a day off she came by to talk and brought a peice of cake. JJust being there to listen to someone and showing that you want to be there is awesome, dont worry about what you should say or trying to find comforting words because honestly there really isnt any. The realy comfort is knowing people care or letting them speew their heart out to someone.<br /><br />Let them know that your still there for them a week after it happens or a month. It felt like so many people thought it was weird that i wasnt over it in a week.<br /><br />I really got sick of "im sorry" at the time i was like "you didnt do anything why are you sorry" <br />I get the point but it was just one of those things...<br /><br />I got alot of comfort through other people telling me their miscarriage stories. Not because i wanted to know that other people hurt but because i wanted to know that i wasnt the only one.audriellehttp://www.pinsneedleskids.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6008426604560109471.post-79582030302717026452011-05-29T03:56:24.383-07:002011-05-29T03:56:24.383-07:00I wrote the name of my friend's baby girl on t...I wrote the name of my friend's baby girl on the underside of a flower petal, a gerber daisy, with a fine point sharpie. (you have to write on the under side of the petal because the top side has a waxy coating) I held the flower up with one hand and took pictures of the flower with a beautiful blue sky and fluffy clouds in the background. Then put the pic in a nice frame and gave to mom. She really liked the picture. You can also write the baby 's birthday.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6008426604560109471.post-79341764928172770392011-05-28T21:50:15.546-07:002011-05-28T21:50:15.546-07:00C. I have lost two babies. One at 8 weeks along an...C. I have lost two babies. One at 8 weeks along and one at 21 weeks. Some of the things that really helped we were:<br />1. when a person came up to me and simply said,"I am so sorry about the loss of your baby" and if they knew the gender and name we had picked out, that was even better to say the name. "I am so sorry about the loss of your baby girl Liyah"---it acknowledges that there was a baby that is now gone, he or she was a real person with a name even perhaps, and that they are sorry. That's all--not trying at all to "fix" it. Just saying they are sorry it happened and that it really was a little life that was important. <br />2. When people came around. I know it is scary to be with a grieving person because it's hard to know what to do, but be present, be available, don't really say a whole lot, just listen and hold their hand.<br />3. Not asking me to make any decisions, it is so hard to make even the smallest decisions when you are grieving. Bringing a meal, bringing flowers, bringing a card, bringing coffee…etc. Doing sweet things and bringing comfort and not asking me how or when or what…<br />4.But… asking questions about the experience and the baby and what happened at the hospital… that actually did help me. Allowing people to get a real picture of what when on made me feel like they were somehow "bearing my burden" a tiny bit with me. They were able to grieve with me a little and I was able to be heard. It felt good.Mercedhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10540611176175815716noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6008426604560109471.post-11052020008145485402011-05-28T21:41:29.875-07:002011-05-28T21:41:29.875-07:00This comment has been removed by the author.Mercedhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10540611176175815716noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6008426604560109471.post-47628700184821315832011-05-28T19:13:44.489-07:002011-05-28T19:13:44.489-07:00http://lookingforbluesky.blogspot.com/2009/06/help...http://lookingforbluesky.blogspot.com/2009/06/helpful-posts.html<br /><br />This blog gives advice as to what to say and not to say to someone that has lost a child. The author lost a child herself.<br /><br />I too agree that it is often better to just be with someone and say "I'm sorry and I'm here for you" than to say things that end up being hurtful such as "It was meant to be" and "Something must have been wrong with the baby so this is for the best." When I had a miscarriage those were some of the most hurtful things to hear.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6008426604560109471.post-44653675693366261812011-05-28T14:38:45.157-07:002011-05-28T14:38:45.157-07:00Sometimes you have to be willing to say the wrong ...Sometimes you have to be willing to say the wrong thing. You might try being there for them, when they actually need space. You might say you're praying for them, when they just want to be normal and not need extra prayers. But you have to try again and again. Don't give up because you said or did the wrong thing once. You might have to pursue them, and actively go through their grief with them, even years later.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6008426604560109471.post-91485423267146253892011-05-28T13:59:03.514-07:002011-05-28T13:59:03.514-07:00I was 12 weeks when we found out that our baby was...I was 12 weeks when we found out that our baby was sick. We went to specialist after specialist only to find that our little girl had turners syndrome complicated by fetal hydrops. We knew our baby wasn't going to make it and were faced with the decision to terminate or risk possible complications. My gyno, nurses and doctors were amazing and I had a d&c at 4 months. It was an awful decision to be faced with and I don't wish it upon anyone. I had people tell me that "god's timing is perfect" "everything happens for a reason" "god didnt want our baby to be born" All of those comments just pissed me off. Who are "you" to be god's spokesman?! I even had someone tell me "aren't you over it yet? At somepoint you have to move on!" Ugh. The most comforting things were those unspoken. The friend that drove miles to sit on my couch n spend time with me. The cousin that left her own family to make me lunch. The friends that cried with me and let me ramble on without judgement. If I could wish one thing for someone that is or has experienced such loss it would be a friend (or two) that is willing to tirelessly listen...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6008426604560109471.post-78276091997216747762011-05-28T11:03:26.805-07:002011-05-28T11:03:26.805-07:00I love Jeanett and her mission to raise funds for ...I love Jeanett and her mission to raise funds for NILMDTS. It was such a struggle to walk beside my sister after she lost her day-old precious girl - knowing I couldn't do anything about the pain she was feeling.<br /><br />And truly - I think it is different for everyone and at different times. These days, she loves to have someone acknowledge that she has THREE girls and will someday see Gracie again. It makes her feel that Gracie is still loved and cherished. But some days, hugging and crying is better than talking. It takes so much sensitivity to know when those days are and to honor them.<br /><br />Thank you for posting this... (It applies so much to families facing infertility too).Rachelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12112453369738198010noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6008426604560109471.post-54735650639354377982011-05-28T10:40:37.489-07:002011-05-28T10:40:37.489-07:00Don't ever say "I know how you must feel ...Don't ever say "I know how you must feel " or "I know what you are going through" unless you have experienced the same thing yourself. You can't begin to know til you've experienced it firsthand. That is the number one thing I have taken away from my miscarriages and death of my fourth child.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6008426604560109471.post-87059518898131145892011-05-28T07:30:26.968-07:002011-05-28T07:30:26.968-07:00you have alot of excellent comments here. for me, ...you have alot of excellent comments here. for me, the biggest thing when someone is hurting is to just SAY SOMETHING. it's almost worse when you just breeze by someone because you don't know what to say so you stay quiet or avoid them all together because the situation makes you uncomfortable. it's not about you, it's about the hurting ones. i think all the beneficial things have been mentioned: bringing meals, coming over and wordlessly cleaning/playing with children/just being present, writing notes/texts/emails, remembering the day, etc. I would also add how important physical touch is: a hug, a gentle arm on the back/shoulders while sitting next to a grieving friend speaks VOLUMES. We can communicate a great deal with just our body language.The McKayshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03510946072678674632noreply@blogger.com