It began as most normal Tuesdays do.
I had been having intermittent contractions all weekend and was really looking forward to my appointment that afternoon.
I was 39 1/2 weeks pregnant.
At bible study each woman had her own version of tricks to start labor. We chatted and laughed about them, some normal, some ridiculous, and the fact that within days I would meet our new daughter, Joy.
Jason and I went to lunch excitedly anticipating what the doctor might say. Wondering if she might even send us right over to the hospital.
Our appointment was routine. All of the standard questions, nothing out of the ordinary. She measured me and then got out the doppler to listen to the heartbeat.
She checked in the usual place. Then kept checking in other areas. The baby had always been rather active and was often hard to locate. I just waited patiently, not sensing any need to worry.
"Perhaps she has flipped and is breech. I am going to send you across the hall to have an ultrasound." She told us calmly.
Another patient was currently using the ultrasound machine, so we were instructed to sit tight in the waiting room.
About 30 minutes passed. Not once did a thought cross my mind that there was anything wrong. I was just scared at the possibility of a C-section. I tried to distract myself with a People magazine.
Our name was called and we entered the dimly lit room.
The ultrasound tech quietly scanned me. This was only my second time receiving one, and the images didn't make much sense to me. I asked her if the baby was breech.
"No. She's head down. I am going to let your doctor know."
Good. No C-section, I thought. All of this trouble for nothing.
My doctor came in, the tech began scanning me again. They whispered quietly to each other. I began to wonder what was happening. I strained to hear what they were talking about.
Awkwardly my doctor took my hand.
"She's gone." was all she said as she quickly left the room.
Her words made no sense to me.
"What do you mean she's gone?" I pleaded, through tears and panic.
"Your doctor will explain everything in her office. I'll walk you over there."
27 comments:
What?! Seriously, you are leaving us hanging like that?!
Oh Julie...if I could only hug you. Thanks for sharing your story.
What a heart breaking story....so sorry.
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You can't leave us hanging like that!! It took my breath away just to read it up to that point!
I am sorry. 39 1/2 weeks.
i love you and i've never met you. i connected with you from the first time we exchanged convo's you are an inspiration and i just know our daughters are playing in heaven together :) can't wait for the reunion!
lots and lots of love and hugs!!!
I deeply inhaled at your last line, and have not exhaled yet.
Thank you for sharing with us, and I look forward to hearing more when you're ready.
Oh, Julie. You are such a brave woman to share this.
Although I have never met you, over the last few months you have gone from "a blog I read" to a friend. I am continually amazed by your strength and your faith, yet my heart just breaks for you. The tears are streaming down my cheeks as I can only imagine the pain you have endured. I am inspired by your willingness to share your story.
Sending you hugs again tonight.
Wow, my heart is hurting for you. Thanks for sharing that story- I'm anxious to hear more.
Oh Jules. I remember that night so clearly. We were going to go and scrapbook together. Jason called and told me the news and I pulled over on the tollroad alone and cried for what seemed like forever.
I am just stunned! My heart breaks for you and the painful experience that must have been. I do want to know more though. I think you can help lots of us women out there by sharing this story. Thanks!
i don't really have the words...i am so sorry you had to go through this. know that you are giving hope and comfort to others right now. you are an inspiration, and you are appreciated. thank you for sharing :)
{hugs}
jes
Julie, I agree. You have gone from "a blog I read" to a friend and my heart breaks for you and for your family. We lost a niece to fetal renal agenesis in April and it has forever changed our family. Thank you for sharing your touching story. Hugs to you.
I hope that God is strengthening you with peace as you write this. I am so glad you did. It's an important story to be told. I hope you are feeling peace in your pregnancy right now, too.
Although I don't know you, I follow your blog. I too lost a baby unexpectedly at the end of my pregnancy. No one can know the sorrow and pain until they have experienced it themselves, my heart goes out to you and your family and that empty place in your heart and home that will forever be missing Joy.
My heart is breaking right now for you and every mother who has had to go through this...but I am glad that you are sharing with us and hope you know just how much love and support you have.
Hug.
What an absolute heartbreak! I'm so sorry you had to go through that. My MIL had almost the exact same experience with her second baby. She shared her journal with me one day about all the emotion she went through and I couldn't even imagine how hard it was. I know this was in the past, but I'm still sending up a prayer for you.
I am so sorry to hear that Julie! How heart breaking!!!
Oh, Julie, I cannot imagine how that must feel. Sending big hugs your way...
Elise
Julie what a terribly heartbreaking story for you and your family to have to endure. I know that our Father in Heaven has a plan for each one of us. There was a reason this happened, though it may be impossible to understand now, if ever. Thank you for having the strength to share your very personal story.
I had to read your blog twice. At first I couldn't believe what I had just read. The tears swelled up in my eyes and began to stream down my face. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. The only thing I can say is that we may not understand God's plan, but in time all is revealed.
Take care,
you and your husband are in my prayers.
Lisa
Oh Julie..I am eager to hear how this story touches so many lives...how the life of JOY..that goes on because of your willingness to share the burden of your heart and the ways you have grown and been shaped because He has been the MAKER of your JOY...THAT WILL change someone forever.. Thank you for sharing as you already have touched me with the great love you carry for your sweet Joy...and our Lord!!
Much Love to you Sweet Friend!
Joyfully His..
Joyfullness
i remember painting that. i will have to make you a new one soon. :)
Oh my goodness. You are breaking my heart! I had that same moment. That same moment where there is no heartbeat and there is just stillness everywhere.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have not had a great many people around me who seemed willing to talk, or interested in talking... I am so grateful for women like you who share and who have been able to move forward, never forgetting, and be happy.
I stumbled across your blog and I am glad that I did. I delivered my son Joseph under the same circumstances on July 3, 2009. That was the best and worst day of my life. Holding and angel, but never knowing him. Someone told me its "the crown without the conflict", and I can relate when you say that God comforted you. He did for me in a way that only He could. Much love to you and your family.
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